I've Been Away For A Moment

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I’ve been away for a minute. I did not have COVID-19, but I did have the Coronvirus blues. Then all these protests happened and all I could do was cry, I still tear up when I really watch the news about the racial tension in this country. I was just sad for a little while and I let myself be that way. I didn’t really fight it or pretend it wasn’t happening. I let it be sadness and now I feel better.

Sometimes it is easier to get over things if you just accept that they are happening. I think I went through the five stages of grief over my life during this lockdown. I think maybe some of you can relate to being angry and in denial and all of it. I’m starting to get into acceptance mode. When I say I’m starting that is what I really mean, I haven’t fully accepted what is going on but I’m working on it. 

It was kind of a blow when the George Floyd incident happened, I was really affected by that and unable to articulate how horribly upset I was by it. But I have managed to endure and I’m ready to talk about things.

As I am a work in progress. There is no magical solution for what is happening in our lives right now, for us individually or for the world at large. There is no right answer or no right way to be. So if you are suffering, that is not wrong, it just is. 

Suffering sucks though, doesn’t it? I was suffering for a minute there, I felt like I was drowning in my own fear, anxiety, and sadness. I’ve only been out of that feeling for a minute here and I thought I would reach out and share this experience in case anyone can relate. 

I think the hardest part about this situation is the isolation. Even if you are an introvert, this is too much. I think I’m a mix of an extrovert and introvert, I get my energy from people and from being alone. But maybe a lot of people are like that. 

Despite whatever the labels say it is difficult to be alone this much. I’ve stared at these same four walls for what seems like an eternity. I have talked to my friends on the telephone and on video chat, but it’s not enough. Sometimes I go for walks or drives just to change up the scenery, but it’s not enough. 

Thank god for streaming T.V. shows that keep me entertained for hours on end, but it’s not enough. I don’t read enough or write enough or do all the things I should do. Sometimes I feel like this situation highlights the fact that I am not enough. 

But the wiser part of me knows that I am not required to do anything, not now, not ever really. The only thing the universe wants me to be is myself. All the things that I do are just ways in which I express who I really am. 

But after I let myself feel all those things, I have to come to a place of peace. And my peace may not look anything like yours.

So who am I in all this chaos and tragedy? I am someone who gets sad sometimes. I am someone who feels things. I feel sad for the people who have died, sad for myself, sad for the people in my life who could die, sad for those struggling economically. I feel sad for those who have unjustly died at the hands of the police, I feel sad for people who fear for their lives because of the color of their skin.

But after I let myself feel all those things, I have to come to a place of peace. And my peace may not look anything like yours. My peace comes from this idea that I read in one of Wayne Dyer’s books about a woman who falls on her face on a cement walkway and as she lifts her bloody face up she says, “It is.”

This is. All of it, the death, the isolation, the fear, the tragedy. All of it is the way that it is. 

We can ask why and each of us has our own answers to that. But it still is even after that. 

So what are we going to do to be OK with reality as it is? I don’t know how you are going to be OK, and even if you are going to be OK. I wish you well. I can only say how I will try to be alright.  

I will sit here, again, in this room, and be grateful that I have a room to sit in. I will live in the moment, enjoying the small moments, the insignificant joys, the simple wonders. Like a cup of coffee on a rainy day, a walk outside where a neighbor waves hello, a run for Thai food. 

Sometimes I will be silent and do nothing. And these may be the times I really know myself and understand that I exist regardless of what is going on out there. I will remember that no matter what goes on in the world, I have my inner world that no one can take away from me. 

This is a painful experience for all of us, but pain is relative. There are those who a hurting much more than I am and I want to take a moment to empathize with them. Compassion will only make me, make us, stronger and better. 

And when this is all over, will we still notice that we are suffering more than we need to? That perhaps we have created a world where it is very easy to suffer and maybe it is time to start to change that. 

Perhaps if there must be a lesson in all of this, it is that our lives are fragile, and precious, and beautiful. They can break very easily, we must handle them with care. And appreciate what we have because it can all be taken away in a quick moment. 

So if you are sad right now, I am sitting right there next to you, holding your hand. We will get through this and one day we will look back and wonder how we did it. How we pulled together everything inside of us to make it through to the other side. 

There is another side, and we will get there soon. Until then, let’s breathe. 

nina

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