My name is Nina Kaur and I am a freelance writer and a college instructor. I have a Masters in Fine Arts in Writing from Columbia University. I’m working on two novels, a non-fiction book and a screenplay. I have been writing this blog for over ten years. To find older blog posts go to: Thirty Something Years in Ninaland
I want to stop for a second and tell you something. Yeah, you. I am honored that you came here. I’ve become vulnerable here and revealed things about myself that are very personal. And some of you have commented, liked, and some of you have come back for more. You have no idea how much I appreciate this. I’m honored.
Honestly, when people tell me they read my blog, I’m usually stunned. I wonder, why. I’m not doubting myself but am so amazed that this person is taking time to go into my head.
I’ve told you personal things about my mental illness, my fears and my fatal flaws. Do I worry that you will judge me? Yes. But I’m working on not being bothered by that.
One day I fear I might run out of things to say.
Sometimes I don’t know what to say, just like you.
There are days I have nothing to say. I try to write every day, but I don’t. My goal is to be six blog posts ahead of the game, but I’m not. Sometimes I feel inspired, I have to run to my computer, or I wake up in the middle of the night to write. Sometimes I can’t think an of idea to save my life. Sometimes I’m so bored with my own writing and my own self I want to vomit.
I don’t know if I’m making this look easy. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it is hard. It is difficult to reveal your heartaches and your flaws. I have many of both. But sometimes, if you notice, I try to make you laugh. Because in the end, you have to laugh about it when you’ve cried enough. You know what my friend and I always say, “You know what we need up in this joint? Some hilarity.” Then we proceed to crack each other up.
Several people in my life have suggested I do stand up comedy. There is something stopping me from doing that. I think I like to mix the fun with the serious, I like to create different emotions in the same sitting. You can’t make people cry doing stand up comedy, unless they are crying with laughter. Raise your hand if you have cried reading any of my work? I would be honored if I made someone laugh or cry.
Some of the stuff I write is not funny, at all. Some of it is sad. I hope that it moves you. I hope that it inspires you. I hope it makes you think. I also hope at times it just entertains you.
I know I’m not consistent, I blog and then stop. I’m trying really hard to change that habit.
Why am I doing this, you might ask. All I can come up with is: It makes me happy. It does. Writing raises my vibration to a higher level. If you are someone who doesn’t believe in this vibration bullshit, let’s just say simply: It brings me joy. Yeah I want to make money doing this. Yeah I want to express myself. Yeah I want to teach something about life that I have learned. Mostly I want to share my experience of this life.
I believe we came on Earth to experience life with all it’s good, bad, and ugly. We came here to experience each other. We came here to love our experience…in the end our life is perfect. I’m showing you my imperfect life’s perfection. In the end we are here to experience the give and take of love…
My goals in life are strange. I want to help enlighten people. Then why am I not writing about Transcendental Meditation and such things? Because I think there is the spiritual in the temporal or worldly things. They have to both be addressed. This is the symbol in my religion, Sikhism, for both sides.
I think the spiritual is in the mundane everyday existence of our lives. We have to get up in the morning and brush our teeth. Everyone on this planet does it. (Except for a few British folk I’ve heard.) But seriously it is a ritual we all participate in. We can all relate to this. People in countries that are at war, are all doing the same thing every morning. How is this spiritual you ask?
Everything in life can be spiritual if you let it. If you pay attention when you are brushing your teeth and really feel the sensations in your mouth, you are being aware and in the moment. If you on top of that, remember to be grateful. Grateful that you have the means to buy toothpaste, I’m serious. That you are lucky to be healthy. Be thankful that you have teeth. Be thankful that you are not British. I kid… But really thank the universe for giving you this lovely mouth to talk with. Without a mouth you would be mute, you would not be able to eat or kiss.
(Does this sound stupid to you? Be honest. It’s OK if it does. I mean my wish is that you won’t stop reading my blog because you are not at all interested in spiritual things. I hope you will still read because you are interested in my thoughts and you like my style. But I have no power over what you do.)
Gratitude is one of the highest forms of meditation. If you believe in prayer, it is probably one of the best prayers. Why be grateful for the boring act of brushing your teeth? Because it can become a meaningful ritual.
I have never had a cavity. That is not due to the fact that I brush my teeth after every meal, or avoid sweets. I do neither. It’s a phenomenon in dentistry that some people, for some unknown reason have perfect teeth. My parents don’t have perfect teeth by any means. (I also have 20/20 vision, but that’s another story). My point is god gave me great teeth and I should be grateful for that. I know people who have had some serious tooth issues. And apparently tooth health can determine your overall health.
Now I guess is a good time as any to talk about my vision. I have perfect vision, and my father is blind. I should wake up every day thankful that I can see. I should have compassion for my father who lives in complete darkness. I have the compassion part down, it’s the gratitude I’m working on.
I’m not a Buddhist, nor am I always zen. But I appreciate this. I know it may not seem like this is a spiritually oriented blog. It may seem more like a random blog. Like a blog about whatever comes up in my head. Well, it’s kinda both. My head is being dictated by my soul, in a way. At least I want it to be. The things that come up in my head are things that matter to me. Nothing matters to me more than love.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. We came here to love.
The most spiritual thing you can do is truly love someone, and love life and god. Yeah even god, or the force in the universe. Whatever name you want to call it.
I don’t actually talk that much directly about my spiritual journey, however, I intend to do this more explicitly as time goes on. I will tell you this, I sit for minutes, sometimes hours, meditating. I don’t do it every day. I don’t do it for many days and weeks at a time. But I do it.
Why do I do it? For the same exact reason I write. It makes me happy. It also makes me feel like me. It allows the real me to come out and play. I’m happiest when I’m in tune with my soul. And when I am in tune with yours as well, I am even happier. You, yes you.
I want to touch each and every one of you. I hope something I say somewhere sometime makes a difference in your life.
I used to have a goal of winning the Nobel Prize in Literature. I don’t want that anymore…My dream is to be on a bus and have someone recognize me and say to me, “Your work changed my life.” That’s it, one person. Doesn’t even have to be a good person. It could be anyone. That would be enough for me. My work is done. I would continue to work, but the satisfaction I would get from this would be profound. No prize could give me that gift.
I don’t take the bus, so this will probably never happen the way I envision it. But one day I will cry with joy when it manifests itself in some manner.
Am I writing for you or am I writing for myself? I’m doing this for both of us. I want to share with you my journey. I want to also understand it myself.
Thank you. I am deeply touched that you visit me every now and then.
I love you. I know that sounds completely off the wall. But I do. I don’t care if I don’t know you. I came here to love, and I love all of you for listening to my story. This one’s for you…
Nina
