Friendship

What is a friend? Someone who is literally there. Most of the time friends just have to be there for you. They can make you laugh even when it's inappropriate. They will listen to you sing and sing along, even if you sound horrid. They will give it to you straight, the truth. They will not lie to you about you.Friendship is so interesting. In many ways I think of my closest friends as family. I would do just as much for them as I would do for my sister. My friends are very much like my sisters. Friendship may be one of the best things about my life. My best friend who left town for a few years is coming back! I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself.I've never been good at love relationships, but I'm good at friendships.I have a friend from preschool who I met up with on Facebook and we get together every now and then. I still remember how we laughed through preschool. When I was in 3rd grade my cousins came to live with us. My female cousin was the same age as me and we quickly became best friends. Then after that when I was a little girl in 5th grade, my friends and I started a sorority because of the books we read about Sweet Valley High. We thought we were mega cool. It was the first time I had a group of friends that were all friends with each other. Before that, I had one friend from different places in my life.I have mentioned parts of this story before, but I think it's worth repeating because of the effect it had on me. So my best friend in grade school, we'll call her Erin, her mother was a raging alcoholic. When I say raging I mean she threated to set fire to the house and was verbally and otherwise violent. Erin's mother was so troubled that Erin, her dad, and her brother would go out to dinner every night and hang out in the car until her mother passed out. So, Erin's mother died of alcoholism when I was in 6th grade.I moved away from the neighborhood shortly after and Erin's dad remarried at about the same time. Erin and her stepmom did not get along at all. Erin and I would occasionally meet up every now and then but it began to become very infrequent. She became more involved with boys than I was, she lived in a kind of faster lane than I lived in.Fast forward to senior year of high school and Erin called me because her stepmom kicked her out of the house. She asked if she could stay with me and my family. I told her no right away, my family was going through some rough situations at that particular time. Then she said to me the words I will never forget, "I guess this is how you know who your true friends are." I never spoke to her or saw her again. I invited her and her family to my high school graduation party, her family came and she didn't.So fast forward to several years ago and I tried to look up her information on the Internet. I could not find anything about her, who doesn't have a trace of info on the Internet? Then after hours of research, I saw a news article about her funeral. She was dead.I called her father and got an answering machine but never left a message. He called our house number back and my dad picked up the phone, my dad remembered her dad. My dad said that I probably called. Erin's father never mentioned her death to my dad. I never called him back. I am still dying of curiosity as to how she died. I have imagined alcohol, drugs or AIDS. I have settled on the theory that she died of a drug overdose. It has crossed my mind that she may have killed herself.Why don't I call her dad back and just ask him? I'm paralyzed with fear. He probably knows she was hurt by me. That I wasn't a good friend. And if I talk to him and find out she killed herself or died of a drug overdose, I will think that my lack of friendship was a factor. Did not having her best friend from childhood drive her to repeat her mother's actions? I know, I know, I probably had nothing to do with it. It's not all about me. I'm not that important.But she was important, to me. I loved her. I remember we started a fake band where we used tennis rackets as guitars. We made up cheesy love songs and her brother told us we were actually not that bad. I remember crank calling people with her and dancing every day to Madonna tunes. She was the best.And I know it's not my fault that I could not host her in my home. But it still bothers me.Well, to continue my story of friendships, in middle school and high school I had Indian friends and white friends. The Indian friends were usually from the Sikh Temple or Gurudwara. My white friends were usually from school. I remember very distinctly spending hours and hours on the phone when I was in junior high, just talking about boys and I don't remember what else. I was only allowed to have sleepovers at Indian friends' houses, so we had a lot of sleepovers. I still have many of these Indian friendships and they are really important to me.I had a weird freshman year of high school where I was obsessed with this idea that if I was one of the popular kids, I would be happy. I had a good amount of friends and everything I just wasn't part of the 'cool' crowd. Sophomore year I could have cared less, I was too worried about the zits on my face. When my face cleared up Junior year, I was now on a mission with my political views on feminism and racism. Then finally Senior year I really just loved my nerdy weird friends, I was nerdy and weird as well. I had a lot of fun with that.I had a best friend in college who was one of the most amazing people I have ever known. Our friendship had its flaws but we had some kind of soul connection. Do you ever feel like with some people you are connected on a deeper level with them immediately, that you know them, really know them, maybe even from another life? We knew each other, really knew each other. Perhaps fires that flame that high, have to die at some point, just like our friendship. We were both two strong personalities, and we messed it up.Mostly she taught me how to have fun. That life was about having a good time, even while succeeding in academics and in life. She was the best too.So I had this roommate in grad school who slept with the guy I was really into. I mean it hurt and everything, but the question is how well can you trust your friends? Even after a couple of friends have betrayed me in various ways, I still totally trust my friends. Is that stupid? No, it's the risk you take in life for happiness.In adulthood, there was a time I had some spiritual friends who lived in Toledo, Ohio, an hour and a half away. I would go to meet with them every week. Then I went through a phase where I had a bunch of gay male friends, and that was a lot of fun.Now I have three or four close friends who I would call my sisters. My best friends and I have been through so much together, we have seen each other through so much that I literally don't know what I would do without them. One of my besties is moving back to town and I feel like my level of happiness will just increase exponentially. I feel like my friendships have made my life worth living. I have a couple friends that I have been friends with for about thirty years now. That is amazing to me.If you are a friend of mine, thank you.You are the best.Forget men. I've got my sisters.nina