Method To My Madness

I want to explain my insanity to you. The way I see it. This is not my explanation of your insanity or anyone else's. This is simply my view of myself. Don't try this at home, you could end up thinking things you would never ordinarily let yourself think.I have Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depression. I was diagnosed when I was 25.I think many of you know what depression is like. It is dark, you are tired, you may sleep a lot and have dark feelings. But let me tell you what mania has been like for me. It has made me laugh out loud uncontrollably and then start crying with the same intensity in the same five minutes. It has made me euphoric and then extremely nervous, all at the same time.  It has made me say things that are mean, inappropriate and hurtful to the people I love the most. It made me lose some people in my life. I also suffered from delusions, illusions, and paranoia.To give you an example I thought I was on a reality TV show about me that I didn't know was being recorded. The Nina Show. I also thought I was telepathically communicating with certain people.Mental illness sometimes comes with what they call Delusions of Grandeur. This basically means you think you are like a goddess or something. I take issue with the fact that it is an illusion. I think we are all gods and goddesses and if we were in touch with our true nature we would realize that. No one is more special than another, but we are all so special and perfect.Often people who are labeled insane think they are a messenger of god. This experience is universal of crazy people in mental institutions around the world. I think I know why this happens. I think god is trying to tell everyone who is listening that they are a messenger. I got the message once that I am the messiah. Of course, I am, what else would I be? Do you underestimate me so? The only difference between you and me is that I know I'm a savior and you think you are merely another human. "I am god, the only difference between you and me is that I know it," Sai Baba.As I have mentioned before, sometimes when the presence of something as grand as god enters your being, your mind will go crazy because the experience is too overwhelming. In my personal experience, this can cause panic attacks, manic episodes, and depression. But eventually, a divine experience can be the most beautiful thing that can ever happen to anyone.I am aware that people are probably talking about me behind my back. Talking about how crazy I am. Perhaps they sometimes have negative things to say about it. But that reflects poorly on them, not me.Because my mind doesn't work like everyone else's it is able to access things that other people cannot access. Like creativity and divinity. I can perhaps go places that 'normal' cannot go. Sometimes I can't go to places that 'normal' people go to, like doing the same thing over and over and never questioning oneself. Like living a life of quiet desperation. My desperation is loud.I question it constantly. I question myself, I question you. I know I don't have your answers, but I only have my own. Sometimes I can't do something I don't like to do, like a job I hate. Normal people do this all the time. I am somewhat incapable of doing that. I will cause myself to lose that job.But there are flaws in this way of thinking. I often question everything, sometimes you just have to do it. Like since I forced myself to do meditation every day, I'm happy. I don't want to do it sometimes, but when I don't I'm unhappy. I am not fully sure why this works, but if I question it too much I might stop doing it. So, for now, I'm just doing it, twenty years from now I may be able to tell you why this thing I do works for me.Writing is another thing that doesn't always make sense. Even if I write a piece of crap, which does happen, by the way, I am happy when I write and unhappy when I don't. I think this may be true of many artists, writers, and musicians. It could also be true of scientists, engineers, and doctors. I don't know, all I know is I have to do my work. I figured out what my work is and now I just do it. When I don't do my work, my mind starves.I didn't write for almost a whole year this past year. I was not OK during this time. It may have been one of the most difficult years of my life. I went in and out of spells of depression with moments of hypomania, or a heightened state that can make you crazy. I have not had a full-on manic episode in over ten years because I have been on medication for the past decade. I have had bouts of depression, sometimes very bad depression.I'm telling you this because I can. I am not ashamed of it. It makes me mad sometimes and sad sometimes, but I rarely feel shame for a condition that is not my fault. Is mental illness because of nature or nurture, you ask. I ask this quite often. I think it is a combination of factors. You will many times find trauma in the past of someone who suffers from mental illness. But you may also find that they come from a genetic predisposition for these conditions.In my case, I think it is definitely a combination of factors. There is not a singular reason I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. All I know is that since I started to take my medicine regularly, never skipping even a day, I've been relatively sane. I haven't always been happy, sometimes I have been very unhappy. The medicine does not always make you happy, but it does make you think relatively rationally, usually.It can take a lifetime to find the right cocktail of medicine. I am still looking for mine. And my needs may change very regularly.Odds are statistically that you may suffer from depression. Whoever you are. Especially if you live in America. It's a very isolating country to live in, and it is extremely stressful. There are no siestas and no time for long chai breaks. There is a lack of community and therefore a lack of connection. People are so independent to the point that they isolate themselves. This is considered success.There is nothing to be ashamed of if you suffer from some sort of depression, anxiety or any other mental illness. Everyone has something it seems, but everyone feels like they cannot talk about it. I have oddly enough never been suicidal, thank the gods.If you need help, please get it. Talk to someone. Take medication if you need it.Don't let this kill you.nina