I Got A Crush On You

My first crush on a boy was when I was actually five years old. I remember it very well. I must have had a very strange, very advanced Kindergarten, because this one boy, we'll call him Mike, kissed all the girls in the class except me. I was "in love" with him. He didn't want to kiss me because I was the weird girl him and his friends would bully. They would chase me around the playground singing, "Stinky Nina!" I had a problem with developing sweat glands at a younger age than usual.But I was definitely in love with Mikey. The second crush I had was on a boy who we will call Chad in first grade. He was a very athletic blond haired boy. I am not usually a fan of blonds now, but I guess I was then. I still remember he said he really liked my shoes one day because we were playing a game where you guess who tapped you with your eyes closed and he knew it was me because my shoes were really loud. I can't believe I remember that. But he had absolutely no interest in me whatsoever.The boy I liked after that, in third grade, we will call Bob. I do actually remember the actual names of these boys, which is crazy, but I will keep them anonymous. I even remember their last names. I can't believe these are men now who walk the earth with lives and probably wives and children and stuff. Bobby was a hillbilly for sure. He wore checkered flannel shirts and a baseball cap at all times. When I finally admitted at a sleepover party to my friends that I had a crush on Bobby, one of my friends screamed "Nina likes Bobby!" in the schoolyard at recess.That's how great friends were when we were kids. I don't know if I really knew what a crush was at that young age, I just knew that I was totally into some boy or another. It wasn't until I was in eighth grade that I learned that a boy I had a crush on, had a crush on me as well. We will call him Tony. Tony was a Sikh guy I met at the Gurudwara or The Sikh Temple. He was the cutest boy I had ever seen there.My friends tried to set us up, so they asked him if he thought I was cute. He did! It was a match made in heaven! Or at least in the temple, on our way to heaven. Me and Tony hung out at my friend's house one Saturday, and my friend Leela convinced him to kiss me somehow or the other. It was the most awkward, weirdest thing in the world. She was like, "You should kiss," and then we did.It was wet and sloppy and I did not like it at all. That was my first kiss. Our "relationship" ended quickly after that bad kiss. I would later run into Tony at Burger King when I was in high school. I remember he had a lot of zits and looked like he was scared when he saw me. Whatever, I thought.In high school, my first crush was on this African American kid who was on the basketball team. He was super tall and super hot. I don't know if he ever really noticed me, but was a fan of his from afar. I never went on a date in high school, I was never that cool. Anyway, my high school boy career ended with me being totally enamored by a swimmer with blond hair. One of the popular kids who I could never have gotten close to.After that, I had a long list of crushes, some boyfriends and some unrequited love, or men I wanted but never got. I think it's interesting that it all started when I was five years old. I had no idea what sex was. I probably had no idea what love was either. I just knew that my heart got excited when I saw certain boys.I still don't understand sex or relationships or love. But I'm forty-two and I still believe I will one day find the love of my life. Will I? Really? I believe you can have anything you believe you can have. Truthfully, I stopped my story of love in high school because I have not been very lucky in love.I have chosen the wrong partners and not had the best relationships in the past. Recently, I haven't had any relationship, and that does upset me. But I need to work on some stuff inside me before I'm ready to venture on with another man. I need to figure out why I'm attracted to the wrong kind of people and why I make bad decisions in relationships.Do I hate men? Do I not trust men? I don't hate them, but I am suspicious of the entire gender, I'm not going to lie. It is interesting to me that almost all of the rapists, the robbers, the bombers the killers are men. This is true universally around the world. Are men bad people? No, I know they are not.I don't know what exactly is going on, but I can't help the fact that I am only attracted to men. Being alone is hard, but not as hard as being with the wrong person. I am aware that there are many, many good men out there. But I'm also aware, as Flannery O'Connor said, "A good man is hard to find."I miss those boys from my youth. That was before they could shoot a gun or be violent towards a woman. That was when they were cute and innocent and sweet. Yes, it's true that the first boy who I liked bullied me, but even then, he was so young, so not aware of his own self. I wonder where he is now. What he's doing. I wonder where they all are, the crushes and boyfriends I have had throughout the years.I wonder if I will marry. I'm not the biggest fan of marriage, but that doesn't mean I won't engage in it. There is a part of me that wants to be normal very badly. I know I will never make that mark totally, but I do want a somewhat normal, peaceful, magnificent relationship with a brilliant genius. That's all I'm looking for.No big deal.nina