Joy And Pain

I pinched a nerve in my neck the other day. It sucked. I understood something very new. I know people who live in chronic pain. I'm not sure how they manage. I had trouble managing arm and shoulder pain for a week or so. Before I discovered that Tylenol would actually help it, I sat around hurting and that's all I could think about. I went to work and thought, this is really hard because I'm in pain.I have a new respect for people like my mother who live in pain all the time. I feel guilty actually that I never really completely empathized until it happened to me. Pain can put you in a bad mood too. It also kind of takes you out of yourself, it's hard to explain but it's like you have to sort of leave your body in order to feel OK.It changed my perspective on how I view the value of my life. I promised myself once the pain went away I would never take another painless moment for granted. Now I do take moments for granted, I'm not going to lie. However, sometimes now when something annoying or frustrating happens, I think that it is not as bad as being in constant pain. It makes other pain seem more tolerable.Sometimes life is really about relativity. One thing is better than another. You can't know what you have until it's taken from you for a while. My peace with my body was interrupted by shooting pain, now that it's gone I appreciate something about life more.Is that why horrid things happen to us? Is it the only way we can notice what is good right in front of us?I know that because I have suffered from depression in the past, I know look at sunlight more intensely. I notice it more, how stunning it is. When I was depressed I would hide under the covers or shut the blinds and make the room dark. I liked it better in the dark when I was sad.Now when it is light outside, sometimes I just sigh for no reason, noticing the beauty. I know what it's like to live in the dark therefore I appreciate the light. Maybe that is why I had to see the dark, in order to know and appreciate its opposite. I have read that that is why opposites exist, to show us what is real in the realm of relativity that we live in.On many levels, this, this life, is all an illusion. Pain, in fact, is an illusion. They say there is a difference between pain and suffering. Pain is the terrible feeling, but suffering is the idea that this should not be happening. The non-acceptance of the pain.Everything we look at and everything that we are, is both real and an illusion. How can it be both at the same time? It can be because we are living in different realms, at the same time. We are here, but a part of us is living in the place of absolute peace. I believe this world we live in is not completely real.I guess that begs the question, what does it mean to be real? How do we even know that we exist?I'm not sure how to answer these questions. I guess I believe Descartes who said, "I think therefore I am." I guess I think I am therefore I am. There are also moments that I feel complete peace and an inner joy. That's when I know I'm really alive.The opposite of pain, joy, also makes you look at life differently. When you realize there is a bliss hidden in things, you become happy for no reason. I feel this ecstatic feeling when I'm meditating sometimes when I'm laughing with friends, or even when I'm just in the car listening to music.There is a particular elation I feel when I'm thrilled for no reason at all. Just because I am alive. Is that proof that I exist? Maybe.Maybe I don't have to prove anything to anyone. Life is not a proof. It's not a story problem that needs to be solved. It's an experience. There is a certain peace of mind garnered from not caring what other people think. There is serenity in knowing how to be internally happy, not needing your outer circumstances to cooperate. Because there are times when life and world will just not collaborate with your contentment.I don't know if I learn more from joy or pain, but I know that I will experience both at some time, so I should know how to accept both extremes. Sometimes we cannot accept happiness, we think we don't deserve it, that we are not worthy. That is the worse kind of self-sabotage.Life is a bit of a rollercoaster ride. But to truly live we must experience it all. The ups, the downs, the spirals that go every which way. I think we came here, to life, to experience the diversity of emotions that create who we are. How will we react to this thing or that? Who are we in the presence of this or that?Who am I? That is the eternal question.Am I someone who suffers, or someone who looks at pain as an inevitable part of life that I must experience? Do I think I deserve love, peace, and happiness?Who am I in the face of it all?nina