Fear Fear
What do you fear the most in life? I fear, fear the most. I am afraid of being afraid. It's New Year's Eve and this is the time to reflect on the past and the future. What scares you most about the future? Is it something that has happened in the past? Is it the fact that you may never be what you once were? What is holding you back from being all that you can be? For me it is my fears.
I have this incessant fear that I will not be able to write anything good ever again. Lately, I feel like I've been writing crap, I'll be honest. Whether or not this is objectively true is not important. It is my fear that I cannot do this right.
I have a fear that I will never find the right partner for myself. I am also afraid that if I do find the right man, I will alienate him with my crazy self. Again, whether or not this is objectively true is not as relevant as the fact that it is my fear.
I am fearful that I will never reach my weight loss goals. Even though I'm doing excellent at the moment, I worry that the momentum will end and I'll go back to eating crap again and not working out. This may never happen, but my fear is happening.
I fear that my novel will never get published and the book I intend to self-publish will never sell and I will never become the respected author I dream of becoming. I realize I am the only one who can stop this from happening, but still, I fear it.
I also fear that I will never find enlightenment. Even though I truly believe that enlightenment is a state of mind that comes and goes and I have felt like I've been in it. But I fear that if I don't really get there, I will keep reincarnating into this mess of life.
I am not really afraid of death, I am more afraid that I will not accomplish what I want before I die. Oddly the notion of death itself does not stand as a real fear in my mind, but not living fully is something I'm truly afraid of.
So what are we supposed to do with all these random fears? I think we are supposed to fear them. I think we are supposed to live as if these fears are not at the back of our minds. It is true that there is nothing to fear except fear itself.
Our mind collects fears as a way of protecting itself. It thinks that if it fears something, we won't do the wrong thing. But that is not really how it works. When we live in fear we don't do the right things because we are paralyzed.
But the truth is fear exists and will always exist. Many times the solution to fear is saying, I am afraid but I will go on anyways. I will do what I have to do, despite my fears. Fear is not something you can necessarily totally get rid of, but you can operate as if it does not really impact your actions.
I have a generalized fear of failure. I, in fact, fear that I am a failure. When I truly analyze this idea I understand that it is not based on actual truth. But it is my biggest fear.
So what do I do about that? I do things that I fear I will fail at anyways. I look at my fear and tell myself that it is non-sense and then I go on doing what I have to do. Will this fear ever go away? I don't know and I don't care. I will not let this stupid thing stop me from being the best me I can be.
I have had panic attacks in the past, where my fears turned into severe anxiety and I literally became mentally paralyzed. I haven't had a panic attack in many years and I think it is because I am accepting fear as a part of life, but not something that will control me.
There is like this little devil in my head that tries to poison my thoughts in a negative way by pointing out all my fears. But then there is an angel that guides me to my hopes and dreams. I want to follow that angel and ignore the devil inside me.
You don't have to get rid of your fears. You simply do things despite them.
I am stronger than my fears. And I will prove that this new year.
nina