Am I Old?
Well, it's true, I'm 43. I don't know, is that old? People say thing like 40 is the new 20. I like to think that's true. I sometimes feel like I'm 25. But the truth is I'm not. But I'm not 75 either, so there's that.
They say age is a state of mind. I will tell you though, I would not give up my wisdom at this age for youth. Nothing trumps the understanding that I have now about life. I think back to when I was 25. I was not as smart and very insecure. I just assumed people did not like me for no reason at all, and I'm a very likable person.
I'm actually a lot more confident now that I'm older. I care less about what people think of me and more about what I think of them. I also just understand myself and other people better. It's true that experience gives you an insight into life that you would otherwise not have.
So what do I know now that I did not know before? I realize now that I'm a worthy human being even if I don't look my best, am not a very wealthy or my career is not brilliant, and if I don't have a significant other or children. I'm still a valuable person. My intrinsic worth is not based on these superficial factors
But I guess the next inevitable question is, what is my worth based on? Nothing. I was born worthy of love because I exist. I truly believe that. There is nothing that I need to do or be in order to deserve love. We are all born deserving love.
The difference now is that I love myself. What does that notion even mean, loving oneself? I guess it means I value myself. I'm not so sure I did when I was younger. By this age, I feel like I have learned that I am in fact lovable. I didn't have the greatest self-esteem in my twenties or even my thirties.
It is true that people often call me M'am. Which I'm not as upset with as I could be. In the Indian community, younger people call older people, Auntie or Uncle. I have had a couple kids call me Auntie. That was a bit surprising, but it's all good.
I teach millennials and I am very interested in their psychology. They actually are different than me. I know they are always on their phones, but I wonder if they read books. I wonder if they have an attention span long enough to watch a half-hour T.V. show or a two-hour movie. I wonder if they have the attention span to get older. I wonder if they think I'm old.
Some students of mine have told me they are shocked when they learn how old I really am. I take that as a compliment. Although they are shocked at how 'old' I am. I don't feel that old. I feel like I'm in the prime of my life. Middle age, well, it's in the middle. In the beginning, I was a dumbass, in the end, I will be heading towards death. The middle is not a bad place to be.
The middle is where the good stuff happens. At this point, I have at least two brain cells to rub together. By now I have experienced deep love, more than my share of disappointment and straight up
As I get older, the more I look forward to old age. I want to sit back and take it all in. I want to retire, whatever that may mean. At this age I finally know who I am and what I want out of life. I know also, that I will not always be that person or get that experience. And I know it will still be OK.
Do I miss looking more youthful? More sexually vibrant? No, a lot of the interest from males when I was younger was unwanted attention or even harassment. Yes, I still want to be attractive. But I don't need attention from men the way I needed it when I was younger. I realize now that being seen as a sexual object is not really flattering. I see that I really only want a relationship with one man, I don't feel the need to attract lots and lots of men.
I have suffered, just like the rest of humanity. But by this age, I have learned to grow from it and not get stuck in it. I appreciate little things now, when I was younger it's like I wasn't really looking at the small beauty of everyday life. The little things. The kind of joy I get from a butterfly flapping its wings in the air above a flower is not something I would have appreciated earlier in my life.
I have friendships that are thirty years old. There is something very special about knowing someone for so long that you can finish each other's sentences. I have changed and the only thing that has stayed the same in my life is that things are always changing.
I am happy and I have changed for the better because I've realized happiness is a choice and that I have a say in who I become.
I have become this.
nina