Stream of Consciousness...
I’m awake before the sun rises. I think about the sun. Itwill one day die, way after I am dead, so why do I care? I care for someonereason. The planet will probably die too. That makes me sad.
I believe in reincarnation. I think I will come back again and again. Sometimes the idea that I was an entirely different person or animal in another life scares me. I wonder what I was like. Who was I? What does that mean about who I am now?
I had a psychic woman do Reiki on me once and she said I wasa horse in a past life. OK. I was a horse. I hope I was a beautiful horse. Ihope I was happy.
I wonder what I will be in my next life. Isn’t funny how youand me can never be the same person? Or can we? Maybe we are the same person,in essence? You know like that whole idea that we are all one. What does thatreally mean anyways? How can me and the tree and you be one? We are three in myeyes.
But there is a part of me that understands and respectsthat. There is a part of me that knows that is the truth. We are all one. Weare made out of the same substance. We are the same spirit.
I had trouble sleeping last night. Either I have bad dreamsor I wake up repeatedly in the night. I woke up at five and decided I couldn’tsleep anymore. Five o’clock in the morning on Super Bowl Sunday.
I think it’s interesting that America is the only countrythat plays football. It’s a sport that seems very American if you think aboutit. It’s violent. It’s about people attacking on another. That’s what we do inthis country, isn’t it?
I’ve never been much of a sports fan. One sport that Iplayed very casually with a few kids once was badminton. I found that I wasgood at that because it’s a very slow game. That thing you are playing withmoves slowly in the air. You have time to figure out how to catch it. I shouldlook into playing that game sometime, it was fun.
I’d like to make exercise fun. I like when I go to the gymwith my friend. I never look at the clock then, when I’m alone I stare at howmuch time I have left. It’s torture. I want to get to the point where Iactually enjoy the act of working out, I’m only at the point where I like howit makes me feel afterwards. I’m not yet enjoying the thing itself, the moment.
I’m tired. I mean that in the existential way as well as theevery day way. I’m tired of life, tired of myself. Just tired in general. Ifeel like everyone is tired. Everyone I talk to seems to be really exhausted.
I want more energy, more energy to really live. To feel more alive. I want to wake up and dance and sing and to make a life a party. But it doesn’t always feel like a party. It seems like it’s just one thing after another sometimes. I feel like I’m going through the motions of living sometimes. When am I really going to be invested in this life? When am I really going to live in the moment?
There’s this whole mindfulness movement, but it’s really notnew. It’s an ancient practice where you are aware of what is happening in themoment. Meditation helps with this, I find I am more myself when I meditate. Ialso feel a feeling of joy and bliss while meditating. It’s kind of like adrug, like what I imagine ecstasy to be like.
I was just thinking, along with being tired, everyone alsoseems so sad. Why is the world so sad? What can we do to be more happy? I thinkwe work too much. And also we do too much in general. What happened to sittingby the dock of the bay, wasting time?
I saw this middle aged woman with her husband at a store onSaturday night. They had three little boys and the woman was trying to managethem in the line. I thought to myself how glad I am that I don’t have to dealwith kids with so many demands. It was one of the fist times it really hit methat I’m glad I don’t have kids.
I like my freedom. I like that my life is about me. I knowthis sounds a bit selfish. Maybe it is. Maybe I am. But I like being able to dowhat I want, when I want.
But then there is the emptiness. The emptiness of life. Thefeeling you get sometimes in the pit of your stomach that something is wrongbut you don’t know what it is. What am I missing out on? Am I really living?What is the purpose of all this? How can I be happy?
Then it hits me that being happy is something that I cancreate. It is all in my realm of freedom. If I want to be happy, I can. I wantto be happy. I am deciding to do that. Forget the tired days and the hum drumof it all. There is still beauty. Everywhere.
I see it in the inches of light that come through the winter sun. I see it in the melting snow, the frozen lake. I see it in the soft morning air.
Beauty is all around us. This is worth waking up for.
nina