Who Am I Again?
I don’t know who I am. I mean really, who am I? What is this thing called identity?
I ask myself this question every now and then. I know I have explored this idea on this blog before. I don’t think I have the final answer yet. I’m not even sure if there is a final answer.
Sometimes I think the better question is, who do I want to be? I get to choose. I may not be able to choose the circumstances in which I arise, however, I can choose who I am in these conditions. I like to think that I create myself.
There may be conditions that I started with. I am a woman, I’m Indian, etc. However, the kind of person that I want to be is completely up to me. We have this freedom even though we don’t have some other freedoms. We don’t have the freedom to decide what will happen tomorrow, but we can decide who we will be tomorrow.
I want to be a better me tomorrow.
But what does better mean? I want to be happier and I want to make other people happier. I want to be more loving and lovable. I also want to be wiser. I guess those are the three major things I want to be.
Sometimes, like at this moment, I feel this emptiness inside. Buddhists have this notion that one should strive to be empty, but I think that is a different type of empty. I think they are talking about being empty of frivolous thoughts. I feel sometimes like my spirit is empty.
I don’t know why I feel this way or what exactly to do about it. But I don’t want to be in this feeling. I mean some of it is because it is the middle of the winter and there is no sun and it’s freezing outside and it’s dark very early.
But some of it is my existential crises. Maybe I’m not sure what the point of life is, what the point of my life is. Today I feel bored. Empty and bored.
There are so many things I should do, but I don’t want to do any of them. I want to take a nap, but I got enough sleep today.
What to do when all the options you have seem very boring and lame? I feel lost. I know this is a transitory feeling.
But isn’t life so mundane sometimes. There are dishes to be done, laundry to be folded, books to be read. But I’m just sitting here as if I have nothing in this world. Sometimes I feel I do have nothing, that I am nothing. I know this is not true, in the sense of truth. I know this, but I feel at times as if it is true. What is truth? What is the truth of who I am?
I am something and I am nothing, all at the same time. I’m dead and alive, all in the same moment. I feel somewhat dead at the moment. I don’t know what I’m doing, who I am, and what I should do.
Do you ever feel lost like this? CNN is blaring in the background, and it’s annoying me to hear what a terrible state the rest of the world is in. I’m safe. I’m warm. I have more than enough food. I have everything, so why am I not happy right now?
I can see the snow falling outside. I’m trying to see the beauty in it, but mostly I’m annoyed by it. I want it to be spring, right now. I’m done with winter. I think something like watching a good movie will distract me from my strange mood. But I just don’t feel like it.
I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m not usually this empty and bored. I don’t want to be this person that I am right now.
What will make me happy?
I think I just have to decide that I’m going to be happy. That I am happy. But if I’m not wouldn’t that be lying to myself? I am happy though, underneath all of this, my true self is happy. Sometimes happiness is not a feeling, it’s a thought. I know I’m happy even though I don’t feel happy right now. Intellectually I know this too shall pass.
It is a truth of life to feel unhappy while you are happy. I feel uncomfortable at the moment, but I know this is just a phase. This life may just be a phase. It is a part of life to feel bad while you are feeling good. Life is complex like that.
I’m trying to stay awake instead of hiding in my bed and trying to escape from it all, even though that’s what I feel like doing. After watching CNN it has occurred to me that the world is in a terrible state. It is also a lot worse in other places than where I am.
There are those who are in terrible pain, all over the world. And here I am sitting pretty, and I have the time and the privilege to question my own existence and wonder about what emptiness means. There are those living in war zones, they don’t have such a luxury. They are dying and I am not.
But something is still wrong on this side of the world. America is lonely, I am lonely. I am alone.
Sure I have a lot of family and friends, but in my most quiet moments, I am alone. Everyone is alone. It is almost not even a sad thing, just a true thing. But I know I am not alone while being alone. I have love in my life, I am lucky. I have people.
This is who I am. Someone who questions, and wonders about things. Someone who knows she doesn’t know. That’s part of knowledge, not-knowing.
I don’t know what I’ll do now.
nina