Me and My Head: A Conversation
I feel like I want to do something different in life, something new, something original. Something no one has ever done before. Maybe in my writing, maybe in the way I live, or perhaps what I say. But they say everything has already been done, but I don’t agree. I think we can all try to be something new, something different, something fresh.
I want to write to you a conversation I was having in my head.
My Head: Your writing needs a facelift, you need to do something profound, something to amaze your readers, and you need to do it now!
Me: Does that mean more work?
My Head: No you lazy asshole!
Me: It means I have to think harder, which entails more work, which is OK, I just need to know. It’s gonna have to be more intense.
My Head: Yeah, that’s it, bring up the intensity! Let’s really feel it!
Me: I’m having trouble deciding what to feel. How do I feel more? How do I become more passionate? I’ve been doing basically the same thing with my life for the last six months. It’s all becoming a blur, life that is. It feels old.
My Head: You are only as old as you think you are, so is your life. You can do this, I believe in you!
Me: What am I doing exactly?
My Head: I don’t know, do something different. Think different. Be different.
Me: But that’s so cliche, trying to be different. Don’t you think?
My Head: All I do is think, for you. I want you to think for me. Don’t let my autopilot nature just keeping you going in the same direction. Let’s change things up!
Me: What should I do? I need ideas.
My Head: I can’t do everything for you.
Me: But you think for me!
My Head: Consider me officially on vacation.
Me: But you started this!
My Head: I want you to use something more, not just me, something from inside your soul.
Me: How do I access my soul?
My Head: That is so not my department.
Me: I think my soul feels instead of thinks. What do I feel? I guess that’s the question. What do I feel about my life?
Me Head: I only know what you think, I can’t feel.
Me: I feel good but something is missing. I’m looking for something in life that I feel like I can find if I put my soul to it. I want to feel exhilaration, excitement, pure passion! And at the same time, I want to feel pure peace. I have felt moments of peace, but never as a lifelong thing that lasts and lasts.
My Head: I know what peace is, like I know the definition, but I don’t know what it feels like.
Me: I can’t describe it, it’s like this thing that brings you down to earth and makes you real. It’s like walking on the grass and finally feeling your feet. It’s like seeing a tree, really seeing it for the first time in your life. Peace is like this happiness that is ingrained inside of you. It doesn’t go away.
My Head: What does pure passion feel like?
Me: Passion is a fire, a fire in your soul. You feel like singing and dancing and just screaming, in a good way. You want to live, really live, like drive a fast car and feel your face in the wind.
My Head: Go there, be there.
Me: What am I passionate about? Lately, I feel passionate about like books, because they take you to places you’ve never been and inside the minds and hearts of people all around the world. I’m reading a book about an American who goes to Haiti, I don’t know anything about Haiti, but now I know about voodoo culture and some really cool stuff. I am also passionate about movies. I just watched Green Book which won Best Picture at the Academy Awards. It is a beautiful movie and again, it’s about a time and people I have no real life connection with.
Another thing I’m passionate about is fashion. I know that sounds kind of girly and whatever, but I love finding interesting clothes. And I only buy clothes on clearance and at thrift shops second hand. I find the greatest things for the greatest prices.
Anyways, I could go on. But I must add one other thing. I’m passionate about spirituality. What I mean by that is I’m passionate about getting to know my inner self, my spirit or my soul, whatever you want to call it. It has less to do with a god outside myself and more to do with the divine within me. This is what brings me peace.
My Head: Now we are getting somewhere...but how does this all make you feel, you are still giving me thoughts, and I can do thoughts, I can’t do feelings.
Me: When I read, I feel like I’m another person. I feel like I jumped into someone else’s soul and I can feel everything they feel, that I am them. I feel like that when I watch movies too, I want to cry when they cry, I am happy when they are happy. And spirituality, it just gives me purpose, a feeling of love, and makes me feel true happiness, the kind that lasts.
My Head: Alright, that’s a story I can buy. Now, what can you write to make other people feel what you feel? But maybe something they have never felt before?
Me: The one thing that I know, that no a lot of people know, is true insanity. I know what it is like to lose your mind. The irony is that losing your mind is not always a bad thing. The mind is not always a good thing.
My Head: You’re telling me.
Me: The thing is, sometimes when you ‘lose’ your mind you can access your soul easier. You can feel things, ‘feelings are the language of the soul,’ that’s a quote by Neale Donald Walsch. When you don’t have all these annoying thoughts bugging you, you can get to the core of who you are. The core of who I am is love and peace and beauty. But when you first access your soul, you may go crazy in the worldly sense and forget what planet you are on, or what your name is. It’s because you are not used to these strange new feelings. Sometimes the feelings you access when you lose your mind are very dark, but they are also a part of you. You have been suppressing those feelings most of your life.
My Head: I work really hard so you don’t feel that shit.
Me: That’s a good thing and a bad thing. It’s a controversial thing. Maybe not everything has to be felt all the time, but at some point, you have to feel everything that’s in your soul in order to truly be alive.
My Head: What do you feel like your dream is? Your absolute wildest dream?
Me: To be happy on a consistent basis.
My Head: You have to surpass me to get to that place, I don’t know what happiness is. I can't make you happy.
Me: I know.
To Be Continued...
nina