What's Your Addiction?
So I’ve been thinking about addiction today. I have an addictive personality. I’m extremely lucky I’ve never had a real drug or alcohol problem, but there are plenty of other addictions out there. I became seriously addicted to food not long ago. I’ve only recovered from it in the last six months. I fear now that I have an addiction to shopping.
The thing with food is, I had to just stop eating shit cold turkey. That’s the only way it worked for me. I have officially made the decision today to stop myself from shopping. I’m writing it down and making it public for accountability purposes. It is very hard, just like any other addiction, I think about how I want to escape within it.
The reason the shopping started is that I’m changing sizes because of losing weight, so I actually needed new clothes. I will also admit that I buy cheap stuff, only on clearance or second-hand. But that doesn’t stop me from collecting a lot of clothes and jewelry.
So the thing is, I can justify and analyze the hell out of this situation but the only thing that’s really going to work is to stop. Yes, there is a hole of some kind inside me that needs food or shopping or whatever to fill it.
I am trying to address that hole in other ways, through meditation and writing and therapy. But the real fix to this problem is behavioral. I need to stop shopping just like I stopped eating crap. Addiction is a disease and there are numerous causes for this, but the only cure is to stop doing the addictive behavior.
I was watching a movie about a drug addict the other day and it occurred to me how lucky I really am. There was a small point in history where I started to drink too much and drink alone for a couple of years. It became an actual problem. With the drinking, I am not really sure how I stopped it, I just did. I’m not really sure if I was an actual alcoholic or just sort of dabbled in it. I didn’t need AA to stop or any rehab program, I sort of just slowly stopped doing it without even realizing I had a problem.
I was very lucky in that regard. I am very grateful that episode in my life did not ruin my life as drinking has ruined many lives. I actually just thank god, I feel like I had very little do with that.
My addiction to food really started in my thirties. I was very depressed and the only thing I would look forward to all day was what I was going to eat that day. Food was comforting and my best friend for a while.
When I decided that I was actually going to lose weight, I had to say goodbye to my best friend, food. It was a hard breakup, I still think about food, all the time. Just today I was thinking how I would give anything for a bagel. I have stopped eating grains for the most part and only allow myself one cheat meal a week, with dessert. I’m so excited because today I get to eat carbs so I’m going to eat sushi!
My life has changed so drastically since I was a food addict though. My whole day is not based around the pleasure of food. I am excited that it is my cheat day, but it is not really the focus of my day. Of course, the new focus of my day is my awesome outfit which I got for a steal. It is easy to switch from one addiction to another. I have to stop all addictions if I want to be truly happy.
I am an obsessive person by nature. I can even become addicted to writing which is my work. I can get so engrossed in it that it’s all I think about. Lately, I have not had that problem with writing, which makes me a saner writer. I’m not sure if that makes me a better writer but it makes me a better person.
Ideally, I don’t want to be addicted to anything. Of course, no one does. If I could pick my addiction the only thing I would want to be addicted to is spirituality. Can you get addicted to that? Is too much mediating and mindfulness bad for you? Is this possible?
I’m sure it is, everything in moderation, they say.
I wonder sometimes what the hole inside me really needs to fill it. What am I missing inside myself that I need an addiction to fill? I don’t know. I’m not really lonely, sometimes I’m bored but that doesn’t seem like enough of a reason. I think the real truth of it all is that I need to learn to love myself more.
I think I love myself, but how do you really know? I guess the same way you know when you fall in love with someone else. I’ll know when I fall in love with myself. I probably will not be able to get rid of addiction in general until and unless I learn to truly love me.
For now I’m just stopping my bad behaviors but eventually, I need to look in the mirror and really look at myself.
I mean come on, what is there not to love?
nina