My Bipolar Story
OK, this is the thing, I have Bipolar Disorder. For those of you who are not familiar with this disease, it causes you to become depressed at times and then at other times makes you sort of high with mania or some type of psychosis. Most of the time I experience depression and not mania, mania is few and far between, however, it has been the most dangerous part of the condition for me.
I have been hospitalized for mania, and very luckily have never been suicidal. These are some of the facts about my disease. But I also want to tell you the truth about it. The truth is this condition has caused me a lot of pain and suffering, but another interesting truth about this is that I don’t regret having this disease.
That sounds strange, doesn’t it? People who have Cancer or Alzheimers always wish they did not have it. However, the reason I say I would not want it any other way is because Bipolar Disorder has had a huge impact on making me who I am. The most important thing it has done for me makes me look for mental peace, which I finally found in spirituality, creativity, and physical health.
I don’t think I would have spent most of my life on this grand search for tranquility if I did not have to fight this battle. Yes, I feel horrible about all those times I could not get out of bed and all those times that I was paralyzed with fear and sadness. I am not by any means trying to minimize the horrific nature of this condition. I am only trying to say that it has given me the greatest lesson I could have ever had: That there is more to life than can be seen with the naked eye.
Since I was a little girl I always knew something was off with me. I always had an inkling that something was wrong. I was not diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder until I was 25, but I experienced the symptoms all my life. And I always felt that there had to be something better than this difficult life I was leading.
I started to write when I was a little kid and that was one way I had of coping with my pain. I honestly don’t think I would be a writer if I did not have to deal with these very complex states of mind. I am not romanticizing suffering, I am simply stating that it often creates the groundwork for creativity.
The second thing I did when I was growing up was search for peace through spirituality. I knew from a very young age that there was something beyond me that could give me the happiness and joy I was looking for. I don’t think I would have ever embarked on this search if I did not need to on a such a primal level.
The last thing I did not do as a child or even as a young adult, is foster my physical wellbeing. I was not very active or involved in sports or exercise. I only realized very recently that physical health is part of overall wellbeing. But it was by feeling empty that I came to the conclusion that I could fill a part of myself through healthy eating and activity.
This disorder affects my brain, which in turn affects my mind. So it kind of helped to make me who I am. I would not be me without it. I honestly think I would not even be happier if I did not have it. Let me explain why.
I was always looking for happiness. People who are ‘normal’ are not always searching for it the way that I was. I was so unhappy sometimes that I had to find a way to find true peace. I eventually have found that and I am not saying it was easy or fun. But it was real. It is real. I am real now.
Of course, you don’t have to have a catastrophic mental illness to find happiness. But if you are doing OK most of the time, there might not seem to be a reason to look for something more. I was forced to find something beyond my normal depressed existence. However, I am not one of those people who thinks that suffering is the spiritual path to enlightenment.
I think you should avoid suffering at all costs. However, if you must suffer, then make the best out of it. It will often make you look around for something better in life than just the ordinary. The reason I can say I’m happy now also is because I know what unhappiness is. I mean I really know. Sometimes I am just grateful for small things like the sun or flowers. I remember being in darkness where there was nothing pretty growing.
Another aspect of this disease that I think is worth talking about is that fact that I believe your mind is accessing different things when it accesses insanity, I think it opens up your mind to different states that you might not ordinarily encounter. Some of these states are euphoric and creative. Some are also dark and devastating, don’t get me wrong.
But I’d like to focus on the part of myself that I feel like gets such bliss from spiritual and creative practices. And to add to this, I feel a new vitality by being physically healthy. Because of course, we are a mind, body, and soul. I neglected my body for most of my life, and I felt incomplete because of this. Now I feel whole.
Trust me you don’t have to be insane to be happy. But whatever struggles you are going through, use them to find your own truth. It is through the darkness that we notice the light. If you are generally a normal happy go lucky person than good for you. You are very lucky. Appreciate that.
However, if you are like most people and live a life of ‘quiet desperation,’ perhaps it’s time to analyze how to find happiness. Trust me it is a thing in the air that is accessible to all people, as soon as you decide you want it. You have to be happy before happy things will come into your life. Happiness is a decision.
Decide.
nina