The Male Gaze
I want to talk about how men stare at women relentlessly. Since I was fourteen years old I have noticed that men, whether they be old, young, relatives, friends, acquaintances, will stare at women without any regard for her personal space.
I and most of my sisters have been traumatized by this stare since we became women. Since I became a teenager older men, my father’s age, have often stared at me in a sexual way. They tainted the male gaze for me because it would scare and confuse me when I was younger.
It’s difficult to regulate someone's ability to stare at you. I will admit that sometimes it is flattering when a dude is looking at you in a sexual way. You think it is a compliment at first. But then you eventually realize that they are the ones in control. You are the object.
There is a part of you that wants to be considered hot and beautiful and sexy. There is another part of you that does not want to be objectified on a regular basis. Are men really appreciating women when they use them for some kind of mental sexual fantasy?
I will tell you that in my twenties there were many men that flirted with me and I saw some of those same boys in my thirties after I gained weight, and some of them did not even show me the time of day. I will never forget the particular men who ignored me after I gained weight. I know which men only talked to me because I was pretty and those that liked me as a person.
Now that I have lost some weight I notice the male gaze again. But this time I realize it has nothing to do with me as a person. It is only about my body. It isn’t really even about me when men look at me, it is about their own satisfaction. Men look at women not because they appreciate their beauty, but because they want to sexually objectify them.
I’m not saying every time man looks at a woman he is being a predator. What I’m saying is that women know when a man is looking at them in a sexual way. And after all, we are all animals and to a certain extent, that is natural and OK. It’s just that when they don’t see us as fully fledged human beings that there is a problem.
What I mean by this is that sometimes men don’t really see a woman, they just see a body. And we can tell whether or not you are looking at us or just our bodies.
However, interestingly enough at my highest weight, I missed the male gaze. I wanted to be objectified if that was the only way that I could be seen. But what I really wanted was men to not ignore me because I was not looking my best. I hated being invisible.
I have a love-hate relationship with the male gaze. On the one hand, I want to be noticed, I want to be seen. On the other hand, I want to be treated like a human being, not just a body. So how do we navigate this complicated dichotomy?
For men I would say, it’s OK to look, but please don’t stare. Secondly, realize that women are more than just their bodies. Don’t stare at our breasts when we are having a conversation. And also don’t treat women who you don’t find as attractive as if they don’t exist.
For women, I would say that you should have a radar and try to figure out which men who give you a certain look could be predators. Because they are everywhere. Most women are raped by someone they know.
But on the other hand, give men a break sometimes. They often think with their dicks because of the high amounts of testosterone in their blood. I’m not making excuses for dirty men, I’m just saying it’s somewhat natural for men and women to look at each other in a sexual way.
As I get older, fewer men notice me. I will tell you that there are two sides to that coin. On the one hand, it’s a relief. On the other hand, does that mean I’m not as attractive anymore? Either way, I will grow even older and I think the last thing I’m gonna miss about my youth is the male gaze.
And if you are an older man, stop objectifying younger women. It’s disgusting and it makes them very uncomfortable. And don’t discard older women just because they are starting to sag a little. We know things, and you should want to know us.
nina