Purple Pants and Other Thoughts...
I feel super cute today because I’m wearing lavender colored pants. Of course I went to work and everyone cancled so I had to come back home. All dressed up with no place to go.
I’m sitting outside on the deck and it’s hot. I’ve been outside quite a bit lately because I’ve been gardening. I have found that I don’t mind getting my hands dirty. This is a huge change, mind you. I even recently had my nails done and I was still OK working in the dirt.
Even though I showered, shit and shaved, drove to work and then immediately drove home I'm not bitter because it's so nice out. It's been raining for months now, we should start calling it a monsoon at this point. There is something about living in the Michigan shitty weather that makes you appreciate when it's nice.
I saw one of my therapists today, yes I have more than one, and she said I'm done, I don't need any more therapy with her. That feels amazing, considering I've been suffering on and off from depression most of my adult life. Getting the OK from a professional makes me extra special. Maybe I'm getting OK. Maybe I am OK. What does OK mean anyways?
Does that mean I'm fit to associate with other humans in society? Does it mean that I'm dare I say, normal? Ha. Let's not be crazy. There is no such thing as normal. It's an ideal we created in order to control people. Control how we think and act and what we say. I will never allow myself to be controlled, or so I like to think. But I am currently losing weight in order to fit into what society calls a normal body shape. Honestly, I'm only half doing it for my health, the other half is because I want to be beautiful. As beautiful as my flowers.
But the truth is I was beautiful when I was heavier. I have learned I have to love that body, in order to love this one. I'm far from perfect, I'm not at my goal weight and I'm not skinny. I don't know if I will ever be 'thin.' I will always be a curvy girl and I don't mind that. I wear the same size as this famous plus-size model:
I happen to think she is one of the most beautiful women alive. It gives me great inspiration to think that a plus-size model was on the cover of a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition that is usually full of rail thin women. Tess Holiday is another plus-size model who I am very inspired by:
Actresses in India used to be a lot curvier back in the day. The thin obsession is a very white and American thing. It started here and spread all throughout the world. It's like a virus, very much a disease that has gotten out of control.
In America, people often use Marylin Monroe as a model of how women used to be curvier. She was by no definition fat though.
The average woman in America is a size 14. That's the BIGGEST size they sell at regular stores. How ridiculous is that? These clothing manufacturers would actually sell more clothing if they sold bigger sizes, but because of their prejudice against overweight people, they don't. That is not normal. That is crazy.
This is why I'm starting to love flowers and plants more than people. Pretty or not, they grow, they live in peace. You don't have to be as pretty as a rose to be growing in nature, there is just as much space for weeds. In fact, wildflowers are considered weeds.
I like to think of myself as a wildflower.
nina