Miss American Pie
Blue jeans on the waist with a Diet Coke in hand
She drives down to the plaza waiting for Target to open
She’s not tall enough or naturally blond enough
And only wears a bikini when it rains
She has a dog and she knows how to ride a horse
Once upon a time, she thought she would have a baby
Now she’s thinking of freezing her eggs before she turns forty
She has a boyfriend but he watches too much porn
She’s in her leased red SUV sipping
Between a Starbucks Mocha and a Diet Coke
She started dying her hair recently because she’s getting greys
She was thinking of trying a box of Revlon hair dye with a burgundy hue
She was also thinking of buying a Betty Crocker cake mix
Even though she is on a diet and belongs to Weight Watchers
But chocolate sounds good right about now
And so does a sale, Target is having a sale
She used to sleep in but she can barely sleep at all anymore
She was thinking of buying some over the counter sleeping pills
But she is worried because she has tried to kill herself once before
She was a lot younger then, but she is worried
The feelings are starting to come back, slowly
She is just bored, not interested in anything anymore
Even shopping doesn’t give her that thrill it once did
She doesn’t like her marketing job, but she doesn’t hate it enough to leave
She was thinking of buying a pink sundress she saw in an add was on sale
But she’ll have to buy that fake tanning spray because her legs are too white
She looks in the rearview mirror at her eyes, they seem to have circles under them
She used to think she was a little pretty, maybe better looking than average
But recently she’s stopped caring as much, she doesn’t always wash her face at night
She sleeps with her makeup on and doesn’t brush her teeth before bed
Sometimes she leaves the house without brushing her hair
She’s tried yoga, but it was never as amazing as everyone said it is supposed to be
She’s not overweight but she’s not skinny either
She turns on the radio and they are talking about politics
She changes the station until a song from the nineties comes on
She remembers she was happy in the nineties but can’t remember why
The doors open at Target, her favorite store, but she doesn’t get out of the car
She thinks maybe she will sit in this car until she figures out how she ended up here
In the suburbs, living with a man she barely likes, in a job she barely knows how to do
She takes out her phone and flips through Instagram
Her neighbor posted another picture in Hawaii with her kids
Why doesn’t she go anywhere? Why doesn’t she have any kids?
She thought about not taking her birth control pill this morning
But the thought of having a kid right now doesn’t make sense
She remembers that abortion she had at eighteen, her boyfriend then paid for it
She doesn't think it was a mistake but isn’t sure if everything she’s ever done is a mistake
She cannot get out of the car, she physically can’t do another thing that means nothing
She doesn’t know why she got up this morning and can’t think of anything to look forward to
This is it, she thinks, this is my life. I don’t have anywhere else to go but this parking lot
She remembers her parent’s divorce and how she used to think that was the worst thing that could happen in life
Now she knows that everything gets worse, and all of a sudden nothing matters
She watches an old couple holding hands and walking very slowly to the store
She wonders what the point of getting old is if she’ll just be back at this parking lot
She starts the car, opens the windows, and turns up the radio
She will drive, she will drive until it all stops hurting so much
nina