My Feelings About Dating
Now that I have started thinking about dating I am more critical about my body. It's like I want to impress someone now so now I am more insecure. That's not how I want to feel. I want to feel the same about my body whether or not I think about a man looking at it.
I'm not sure what to do about this. I feel weird. I don't know, I mean I want to date. I want to meet somebody, but I also am extremely nervous about showing my real self, my whole self, to him. I don't know how to balance it.
I need to know that I am gonna be the same person whether or not there is a man in my life. I need to show him who I really am. I need to always be who I really am. I want to feel like me not matter who I am with.
I don't know, it's really weird. I should I just be who I am and not worry about anything. I'm not sure if I know how to do that. I have to be less self-conscious.
The truth is, I want someone to love me for who I am, not for what I look like anyways. My weight will fluctuate throughout my life. I will get wrinkles and get old. Someone has to love me throughout all of that. I’m no spring chicken. I’m 43.
My friend asked me yesterday if my expectations of what I want in a partner have changed since I have changed in the last year or so. I actually think they have changed. I’m trying really hard not to expect anything in particular. I’m not looking for a particular type.
I know better what I don’t want. I don’t want someone who is not kind and affectionate and many other things. One of the most important things that I want in a relationship is the ability to have long meaningful conversations with someone and the ability to laugh hysterically with that person.
I don’t care what that person does for a living. I would like them to have gone to college, but it is no longer a requirement. All I care about is the person’s integrity and our connection.
It’s a process...I’m going to have to open up the dating websites again and start the tedious process of writing about myself, or editing what I have written before, and then adding new pictures.
But I will say that this time I feel differently about myself in general. I truly feel as though if someone is not interested in me, it’s their loss. I think I have some very valuable and worthy things to offer, most of all my truth and spirit. Those are the two things I love the most about myself.
I feel worthy as a human being, more than I have felt, maybe ever. I finally know my worth.
More than ever, I feel like who I am is more important than who I meet. Who they bring out in me is also very important. Who we are together is also vital to our connection.
Finding love is harder, and keeping love is even harder. But I have always been a romantic. I feel less romantic now than I have been historically, but I still believe in love. Even true love if there is such a thing.
I mean I know there is truth and there is love, they both exist. So true love seems like just an extension of that. I think it means unconditional love. I mean I’m getting old, I could get sick, my partner could get sick. We have to love each other through that.
I think I will embark on this dating journey after I get back from vacation. I’m going to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, Marquette, in the middle of July. My best friend lives there and I’m very excited.
I am also excited about meeting men again.
I wonder what will happen.
nina