Paparazzi
So I've been told by some closer friends that I take really bad pictures of myself. I took the picture above and I like it. I know it's a bit blurry but I think that gives it an artistic quality.
My friend took the picture below.
I think my nose looks pointy in the picture right above. I am actually smiling which I suppose is a good thing.
Since I began my weight loss journey, my mom has turned into the paparazzi and tries to take my picture constantly. I don't even want to share any of those photos with you because I can't stand them. I have also become an avid selfie-taker because I'm trying to find good photos to put on my dating profile.
I am really reluctant to show the world this next picture, but I think it's time I become at peace with myself. This is a picture of me at my heaviest weight.
I think I had the opposite of body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphia is when you look into the mirror and you see someone who looks a lot fatter and uglier than you really are. When I was at my highest weight, I thought I was thinner than I really was and would get shocked when I saw a picture of myself.
I think that's part of the reason I let myself get to my highest weight. When I look at this picture above I get scared. Scared that I walked around like that. But the truth of the matter is I was a worthy being when I was that heavy. And I'm not skinny now, and I am also worth just as much as I will be if I ever make it to thin.
It makes me cry but I want to hug that woman in the picture above because it was hard for her to breathe and stand for too long. I want to tell her she is OK. That she is, in fact, beautiful just the way she is.
There is a secret garden inside of her.
I am the same person in that photo and I am also a completely different person all at the same time.
Yes, I am a different person but not only because of my physical transformation. I was depressed in that picture. I had trouble getting out of bed some days. It's really hard for me to think about who I was only about less than a year ago. And yes I am the same, I'm still that girl, that woman who is a dreamer.
I love her though, I love that woman I was not too long ago. But looking at her makes me incredibly sad. Looking at this picture has hit me very hard, I found it hidden in a text message and did not know I really had any full body pictures before I lost weight. I avoided the camera, and honestly, I still do.
But again, there is something about accepting reality that somehow sets you free. That was me, and that's OK. I mean in some ways it was not OK, but most of those reasons were emotional and health reasons. I became this large because I was depressed and my health was suffering greatly.
So I started writing this post last night and I became very upset and decided I needed to eat something because that is how I traditionally deal with my emotions. Well, I ate some leftover dinner which was fine but then I went in the freezer and got out the ice cream, I was about to get out a bowl when it hit me. I don't have to do this. There is another way.
So I took a teaspoon of ice cream and put it away and went to bed. I'm very proud of myself for that. It was a difficult moment. The other way that I am talking about is feeling my feelings. Sometimes when we have negative feelings instead of trying to subdue them with food or alcohol or drugs, just let yourself feel the bad feeling. Our soul talks to us through feeling and sometimes it just needs to be heard.
I'm talking to you on this forum because I need to be heard.
Can you hear me?
nina