Nobody Knows-Repost
8/20/2017
Nobody Knows...
Thedishes are piling up, the pans I used to make shrimp dumplings last night havesoy sauce stuck to them. The floor needs to be swept, the popcorn I ate forbreakfast spilled on the floor and I missed a few when picking them up. Yes, Ihad popcorn for breakfast.
It's not a good day. I slept too much, could not get out of bed. Don't know what to say or if I have anything at all to say. I didn't water the flowers which have been doing pretty well since I have been taking care of them lately. The dead red inpatients need to be clipped and I should probably give them some plant food.
Ifought with my mom this afternoon, something about my attitude. Don't evenremember what I said. I was supposed to do, and do and do, and I did nothing. Iordered a take out spicy salmon bowl from Sushi Ya, they forgot to give mechopsticks which annoyed me. There will be an eclipse soon, and I've made noplans to see it. What else am I missing out on in life? I'm reminded of thesong, "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Can't decide if I like that songor hate it, never could decide.
I prayed today, prayed things would get better.
Istarted with a new commitment on a health plan. I can only hope it works thistime. I'm shakey, shakey about what's to come next in this life. I watched thenews for a moment. Note to self: news is not a pick me up. Bad idea. News isabout the sad state of this country, which seems to be going downhill. I don'twant to know about white supremacists, they are not people, tell me about people.
Butthe thing is, I can't be like this. There are flowers hanging right outside mywindow. They need me to keep them alive. I need them to keep me alive. There ismusic playing in the background of my life...I'm listening to thatsong..."We've got the dreamer's disease."
AndI still dream. I have nightmares when I sleep too much, but the dreams I havewhen I am awake, they are sometimes better than reality. I was watching a newshow on Netflix called Atypical. The reality is I'm Atypical. I'm notnormal and I'm OK with that, I never really wanted to be normal. I just want tobe good.
Doesthat sound cliche, wanting to be good? How about just wanting to feel good?
It'salmost ten o'clock at night and I want to eat something sweet. As I mentioned Istarted a new weight loss plan, well let's just call it a healthy lifestyle,shall we. Let's not use the dreaded word diet. But it's a diet.
I'm a little hungry, a little annoyed and my head feels a little heavy. I recently changed medications and I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms. That's why sometimes I withdraw from the world. Because it doesn't make any sense to me. None of this makes sense.
I'mnot depressed because people in the streets are chanting about hating peoplelike me, I'm depressed because I'm not out there fighting against it. I haven'tgone to a rally or protest or anything. I'm still having trouble leading aregular life, much less trying to change the world.
Youknow, I used to want to think about changing the world, especially about race,but it seems rather pointless to think in such broad terms. I can't even changethe fact that if I came home with an African American man my parents wouldfreak out. And I'm not the only Indian person with this problem.
Idon't know how to change people, and I'm not sure how to change myself. It'sdays like these where I wonder if there is a point in doing anything at all. Ifwe should all boycott life, like I sometimes do, and stay in bed all day. Myfather who really isn't really a racist loved Obama, but wouldn't want hisdaughter to marry a Black or Muslim man, said that all minorities in Americashould boycott work, like the peaceful protests in India. We should all justtake a day off because we have to fight against the bully racist that isrunning this country.
Ilike any idea that promotes taking a day off of work. So why do I say my dad isnot a racist when he sort of is? Well, he is very much against the racism inthis country. He can be a hypocrite, he is complicated. As am I. He is trying.
Isit good enough? Is any of this good enough. Are any of us good enough?
Wedon't know, no one knows for sure who is assessing, who is counting, where themeasures are being made.
I'vedecided instead of measuring I will meditate and leave the rest up to the universe.
nina