I'm Trying...
Let me tell you it’s the little things in life that can clog up a sister’s head. Like the fact is, I got a salad and soup for lunch. I will tell you that they put a lot of lettuce in the salad. So much so that I really kind of don’t eat a lot of the lettuce and end up eating the good stuff instead, like the chicken and whatever else.
I can’t eat too much, so I go light on the lettuce. Same with the soup. They put all this soupy liquid business in the soup, and again, I like to eat the good stuff. The vegetables and meat. So why do I even bother with soup and salad if I don’t really want the lettuce or the soupy part of the soup?
Because I am trying to be healthy people! I am making an attempt! I feel like I get credit in some land where credit is given for at least trying to do something right. I don’t know who or what is dolling out these ‘points’ I think I’m getting for trying to do the right thing, but that does not stop me. Uh uh.
So who is keeping track of all this shit we think we are getting credit for? Like when I was trying to meditate and started falling asleep for a week or two a while back, I thought I would be OK because I was ‘trying.’ That somehow the benefit of ‘trying’ would be enough. That I would get credit. As if I was meditating to get credit from god or something.
The truth was shockingly obvious. After a couple of weeks of falling asleep while meditating, I notice all the benefits of meditation slipping away. I started getting depressed and tired. I started not enjoying my life as much and I even started eating more.
Apparently, there is no credit, extra or otherwise for trying to do the right thing. Either you do or you don’t. ‘Trying’ to eat right by eating everything but the greens in my salad is not the worst thing I could do for my health, but not the best. It’s half-hearted at best.
But the truth is, I am not a perfect health nut. I am sort of healthy. I had a big fat chocolate chip cookie today at Panera and I liked it. I don’t even feel bad about it, but I noticed that I don’t like sugar as much as I used to now that I have been avoiding it for some time.
I am also not a perfect spiritual being. And even though I try to stay awake and alive during meditation, there are times where I still drift off, but I usually reign myself in better now that I realize there are consequences and it’s just a waste of time if I fall asleep.
I’m getting better. I’m getting better at life. At least I order the salad. There was a time in the not-too-distant past where I would have preferred the bready, carb-filled sandwich. Yes, I did opt for the potato chips instead of the apple as a side. But I will have my fruit later today, unlike when I spent years not touching any fruit.
No one else is giving me credit or ever will. So I’ll give myself credit. I’m trying to do this thing. This mind-body-soul thing. And I make mistakes. Grave errors in judgment. I mess up. I’m lazy and stupid sometimes.
But I’m gonna get there, to my goal. I am no longer sure what that goal is, but I know it involves being truly happy before I die for an extended period of time. I have no idea how long that time period needs to be. I’m happy now, I just want to extend it.
I’m kind of healthy, I haven’t worked out in ages, but I’ll get back on that. I feel like I’m moving in an upward trajectory, so I’ll be fine.
Which way are you moving?
Are you even moving?
nina