Internal Drama

I know I've been talking about my personal quarantine experience in great detail. I am worried that you may be getting bored, only adding to the fact that you are already bored to begin with. There is a part of me that is worried that you may be tired of my rant about this subject.

But there is another part of me that thinks maybe it is helpful to have a friend in all of this, someone who is going through something similar to you. I'm going to gamble on the fact that you may want to hear this so I'm going to go on with my bad self.

OK, I will say another thing about living in lockdown again, I have a new appreciation for leisure activity, leisure time, and leisure, period. Hanging out, by myself mostly, has become fascinating to me. All the things one can do. First of all, who knew all the shows that are out there? Who knew? Who knew that TV saved me from boredom as a kid and it is doing its job again.

They have been creating great TV in the past decade or so, who knew?

Secondly, who knew that the reason I am not reading as many books as I want to has nothing to do with not having enough time. Who knew?

Who knew how precious a walk outside is. Even in the rainy, crappy, Michigan spring weather, fresh air has new meaning. So does a phone call, a conversation with someone who is not in my head or on the TV. 

I’ve been reading the newspaper, I even actually picked up a book the other day, looking anywhere, honestly, for something to fill the time. The void. The void in myself I was filling with being busy. 

We as a society are not as busy anymore. 

We as a society used our ‘busyness’ as a badge of honor. 

How many times have you talked to someone only to hear, “I’m so busy!”

Well let me break it down for you, I’m not busy anymore. This is different. This is weird. 

Is this how farmers felt in the 1800s? I don’t know, I’m just making random comparisons. But it might be why people used to sit on their front porch just watching the world go by. 

I have time to do that now. 

I have time to watch the fireflies.  

So I’m going to ask myself this, what was I doing that was so important when I was so busy? Look, you say, I got a job, kids, social life, sports, etc. I had a life until this happened. 

So who am I without this life?

I know I’ve mentioned this before, and I’ll probably talk about until the quarantine is over, and then some more after that. I cannot let this go. 

Who am I now that I don’t have all this crap to do that I was filling up my life with? Who am I in general?

But more important than the question of who I am is, who do I want to create myself to be now that I have time to breathe. Who do I want to be right now and moving forward? 

Do I even like this person that was moving so fast? Doing so much? That person that didn’t have the time to think, to breathe, to be. 

I got all the time right now, so here we go…

I want to be real. I want to be love and joy. Those are probably my main goals. 

What does any of that even mean? Those are abstract ideas. How does that translate into my everyday reality?

I want to look at what’s really happening in my life and decide if I’m OK with it. Is it bringing me joy and love? Or decide what I have to do to change it to look like what I really desire in life. But what do I desire?

That’s a good question. Glad you asked. 

Honestly, I need to make more money or I will never retire and I will be living a pretty messy life. So what do I need to do? Maybe actually try to publish those books I’ve been sitting on. Maybe create that online workshop I’ve been thinking about. But that’s just me. 

What do you want?

I don’t want just money though, do I? I want a significant other, a real companion on this journey. But that means I have to date. Dating sucks. But it’s probably the only way I won’t die alone. 

But let’s go deeper. What else do I want? I want to meet more like-minded people. People who are as into spirituality as I am. I have to join groups and stuff and I’m not really a joiner, but I might have to do it if I want my life the way I want my life. 

But what do I want to feel, inside, let’s go deeper? 

I want to be happy. And I have realized that happiness is a decision. If I can be happy actually being locked in my home, I can be happy when I have the freedom to do it all. The point is, the test is, can I be happy now?

OK, how do I get happy?

You know what’s funny about happiness? It’s just a decision. I have to look myself in the eyes and say, nina, you are happy. Now just be fucking happy you miserable bitch. 

No seriously. 

I’m gonna just decide that I am happy. I am love and I am happy. I'll say it again, I am who and what I say I am. No one can take that away from me. That is something that I own. 

What has the quarantine taught me? I own my emotions. I have the power to feel what I want to feel. That does not mean denying my horrible emotions, which means allowing them to go through me and creating good emotions once the fog clears up.

That is all I have. I don’t have power over Corona-fucking virus. I do have control over nina and how she decided she is going to feel about it. I have conquered a 20-year long depression. Coronavirus? You think that’s going to bring me down? I have seen much worse, been through much worse than this. This is child’s play compared to being locked up in a psych ward in New York City with homeless people who eat out of dumpsters. They are very nice people by the way. Sometimes a lot nicer than people who don’t eat out of dumpsters. 

So screw all this mayhem about the apocalypse. This is not how nina is going to end. 

Look, if I’m going to be real, I have no idea how it’s going to end for me. But I will tell you, this has been one hell of a ride. Quarantine and all, you have to admit. You and me, we love the drama. We love the mayhem.

You didn’t want this any more than I did, but you know we love to complain. We love to bitch. Now that there is something real to bitch about, and you have an actual reason to be a real colossal bitch, who will you be?

nina