This Is What Grief Looks Like
Today is hard. It’s harder than other days, I’m not sure why. Superficially it feels like I am bored. But angst is really what I feel. I’ve read lately about this grieving we are all doing, we are grieving the loss of so many things that are hard to name. I miss my life.
I miss talking to the receptionist at work, she’s this sixty-year-old black lady with a lot of spunk and a heart of gold. She’s my favorite person at work. I miss talking to students who never follow my directions, who are late to class and ignore me for their phones. I miss their phones.
I miss walking in the parking lot when it starts raining and I don't have an umbrella as the clouds go over the grey sky. I miss that stupid kid I tutor who has complained about me to my boss because he thinks he knows more than I do. I miss his stupid face.
I miss it all. I miss making my class laugh, I miss my students making me laugh. I miss that restaurant I have lunch at a couple of times every week, with the elderly bald waiter who looks like he should retire. I worry about him, is he working because he has to or because he wants to? What’s he doing right now? What’s his name? Is he safe?
I miss that woman who works at Starbucks who said I looked so familiar, did she know me? Did she take one of my classes? And then she told me about her dreams, she wants to be an artist or a businesswoman. I told her to do both.
I miss running into former students who usually work at restaurants. 'Professor', they will say, so nice to see you. One student once called me 'Doctor,' ha! I didn't correct her. It makes me feel like a movie star. It’s the closest thing to fame I will ever experience. I always remember them. Always.
I miss running into my neighbor next door, this wicked witch who complains about things like how our tree is in the way of her view through her window. I am her view. I miss her staring at me through that very window while she babysits her grandson. I miss her blond hair.
I miss the dentist. I hate the dentist. I miss the ghetto operation I go to called Affordable Dentistry. They are affordable for a reason, don't you worry. Once they just started doing some stuff in my mouth and I realized they were ready to take out my wisdom teeth. "What are you doing?" I asked.
These two Middle Eastern dentists told me and then I let them because I was in that chair and that chair changes you. I listened as they spoke in Arabic about my teeth. I don't remember ever asking to get them removed or giving them permission, but there we were. I didn't hurt that much because my wisdom teeth were not impacted, but it was just weird. And I'm weird because I miss being touched so much that I miss people pulling things out of my mouth with sharp instruments while speaking in a language I don't understand. When speaking to me, these men spoke in English without a hint of an accent. America is so interesting. I miss America.
I miss the cleaning ladies, who will do literally anything we ask them to do, they fold my underwear and I don't ask them to. I try to thank them, I try to not ask them to do things that I should do myself, even though I should do it all myself. I usually end up cleaning alongside them because I feel so entitled just sitting there like a princess. I miss how they talk to me as if I am the princess and they are not. I miss the humility of people I ask to clean my toilet.
I miss going to dinner, that’s what I love to do the most with my friends. It’s simple, but it is my favorite. I basically just like to eat and talk. If I could eat and talk for the rest of my life and do nothing else, I might be satisfied. I miss those conversations over hot delicious food. I miss my friend telling me I’m talking so loud that people are looking. I miss swearing about things that don’t deserve such profanity. I miss laughing out loud with other people in a crowded room with music blaring while drinking Diet Coke.
I miss house parties and game night. I miss fun.
I miss shopping, the colors. Whether it be clothes or home decor, I miss looking at the textures and the fabrics and the designs. I miss wandering around and smiling at people. I miss spending money I shouldn’t on things I don’t need.
This fabulous, frivolous, passionate, complicated life was mine, and in one moment I have had to put it on hold. I know you know what I mean. You understand. This is happening to all of us. We forgot though, did we not, how good we had it? How good we still have it?
Let’s not forget.
When we are back in the middle of it. The alarm clocks and the traffic and the coffee to go, let’s take a moment and revel in it. Let’s appreciate.
We have it good.
Didn't we almost have it all?
I want it back.
nina