A Letter To The Guy I Could Potentially Virtually Date During Lockdown
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Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
My Dating Profile Picture
Dear Dude,
I know you are wondering why I look so much better in my profile picture than I do on our video chats. I can explain. I am temporarily unable to care what I look like. Think of this as your opportunity to know me for who I really am.
After all, this is what I really look like when the day is done and the makeup is wiped off and the hair is flying everywhere. It can take years before people really let their partners see how bad they can look. I’m giving you a free preview.
I’m only trying to virtually date because I’m bored. Don’t make me regret this.
I don’t know if you can really get to know someone over video chat the same way you can get to know them when you can smell them. I recognize being in the same room with people and smelling them is so 2019, but the way you smell is rather important to me. Just lie to me and tell me you shower every day still.
Don’t judge me if I don’t dress up for our ‘dates.’ I’ve put away all my clothes that are remotely cute and am exclusively only wearing loungewear and pajamas. If this bothers you, you should probably not spend a weekend with me at home.
I usually look better than this, I wear nice clothes and straighten my hair. Hell, sometimes I even shower.
Me During Quarantine
But for you, I will probably do none of that. Not because I don’t care, but a little bit because I don’t care. I can’t go out in the world, and you are not the world. You might not be worth the effort. I don’t know if it is lucky, or unlucky for you, but I will definitely not be wearing a bra for our sessions together. Please don’t confuse this as me trying to be sexy by doing this, I’m just lazy. You may have noticed sometimes my clothes don’t match. That is how much I don’t care right now.
Some of the things I’ve discovered about myself during quarantine: My right ear canal is oddly shaped and I can only wear my left AirPod. I know this is completely insignificant, but I feel like you should know everything about me. You should probably also know I’m the kind of person who will lose these little remote headphones in a couple of days. I’m careless.
I’m not dumb, but I’m not exactly what one would call technologically savvy. Let’s face the reality that I’m a Luddite. If I accidentally turn myself into a potato while we are video chatting, please excuse me.
I live with my parents. I know this fact is not exactly ‘cool’ at the age of 44. I could not care less what you think of this. I only tell you because if you hear a female voice screaming my name in the background, well that’s my mother. And yes, I am most likely going to turn into her when I grow up.
I will not meet you in person during lockdown because I already don’t trust you. I don’t know if you have picked up Coronavirus. I have to protect my father, who has health issues. But if you want to serenade me through my window, I’m open.
Photo by
on
But listen, Romeo, don’t expect me to strip for you or something in return. Only because I have nosy neighbors and who knows how much weight I will put on during this time. Will you still love me if I double in size?
I used to be fatter, 100 pounds fatter, if you can imagine. Would you have even talked to me then? If not, I don’t think this can work out.
In fact, I’m pretty certain this won’t work out. How many days has it been since you shaved? You are not allowed to ask me that question.
I know it won't work out because during this really emotional period in our lives, we are looking for any connection. I might just fall for you and overlook your faults out of that desperation. I need you too much right now, and that does not bode well for a strong relationship.
How will we control our desire of seeing each other if we really do like each other? Willpower? I’m having trouble not eating every twenty minutes, I’m not sure if self-control is one of my assets at the moment. But I am patient. I just don’t want to be eligible for Medicare by the time we get out of this.
It would be nice to talk to someone during this precarious time. What will we talk about? Will we talk about what our lives are normally like? Will we discuss how frustrated we are? Can we please watch the Trump press briefings together? I need to talk to someone about whether feelings of rage and disgust are normal.
Photo by
on
Also, if you can laugh with me about the president, maybe we can build a life together. If you can laugh with me about lockdown and Coronavirus, you might be the one.
Do you think our love will survive the apocalypse? I didn’t really picture what dating would be like during Armageddon, but who really thinks ahead like that? If the world ends and we are the only two people left, can we still not have kids? I’ve been listening to my friends who are homeschooling their kids and I’ve now ruled that option out.
Please don’t tell me you love me over video. I will think that is weird. We will have never touched. But I guess it could be possible to love someone remotely.
What if we break up over video? We could have an entire relationship during this whole thing. We could get married and divorced without ever meeting if we are really ambitious. Let’s take it slow.
I’m sure this won’t work out but I literally have nothing better to do. I’m not sure about Love in the time of Corona, but let’s give it a shot.
nina