Reflections

So I took a drive down a pretty road near my home. It's February, the sun is shining hard on my face through the car window. I feel somehow drowned in the beauty of the day. The emptiness I sometimes feel is gone for the moment. I sometimes fight with this dull pain inside me. I don't know what I am upset about, if it is anything at all, or just the human condition. It's hard being human.Some moments I don't remember what I was annoyed or upset about, and other moments I don't remember what I'm happy about. Sometimes I think it doesn't matter what the subject is, does it? Happiness for the sake of happiness is a pure state of mind.I'm sitting in this old style cafe, with exposed pipes on the ceiling, and cute little pastries. What could possibly be wrong with this situation? I'm sitting with a good friend, we are both working on separate things. I'm faced with this blank page in front of me. Asking, begging the question, what do you have to say?What do I have to say? Is there something to be said? There is a pregnant woman walking by the window. I am alive. Maybe that is all that matters. I am here. Time is moving, whether I acknowledge it or not. Life is happening despite my noticing it or not. I matter but I kinda don't. It's a crapshoot.Do you ever wonder if your existence matters? Does anything you say or think matter? It's hard to know. I would say living is hard. Whether you are on a treadmill of work that feels like it will never end, or you feel empty inside because there is not enough meaning in your life. Either way, life may be dissolving its contents right before your eyes.I'm fighting right now. I'm fighting the urge not to work, to write. Sometimes I don't want to write because it's so intense. It sometimes feels like putting your soul on display, as if it is for sale or something. Usually, writing comes a lot easier to me, but today for some reason it feels like pulling teeth.