I am Fat

I’m Drowning in my Own Self-Loathing

I have faced the reality that I’m kind of fat. I’ve always been fat and I hate that word so much. 

But more than that, I want to stop hating my body. Fat is an ugly word, isn’t it?

Let’s not use that word. 

But I’m stuck right? I’m talking about a very sensitive issue and I’m doing it in a public forum and all I have is words at my disposal. I want to tell you that society hurts me when they consider me fat. That it hurts that family members and friends have called me that to my face and I’m sure behind my back.  

Why do I care so much what other people think? I would like to know the answer to that question. Why have I bought into this notion that my body has to be a certain way for me to love it?

I’m actually quite healthy. There was a time when I was so overweight that I was having health problems. I went as far as getting bariatric surgery to lose weight. But I’m still overweight. Even at my skinniest in my twenties, I was considered fat to some people. 

Who are these people and why are they in my head? You, are you one of those people? Do you think women’s bodies need to look a certain way to be beautiful? I have stretch marks because I lost weight and I’m a curvy woman. I want to love myself just as I am. 

How do I do that? I don’t think I’m alone when I say we live in a mean ruthless society that wants women to conform into tiny little robots. I’m not tiny and I’m not a robot. 

But I am ashamed. I’m actually ashamed of this body I have. This beautiful instrument that allows me to walk and breathe and eat and even have sex, I have so much shame associated with it. And it’s not right.

I hate hiding behind my shame

I close off and want to hide my body.

What about the radical notion that I am OK just as I am. Or let’s go even further, what about the crazy idea that I’m beautiful just the way I am. How insane is that?

It’s not insane. In fact, it may be the only sane thing I’ve ever thought or said or wrote. 

I am not just a body, but I am a body, mind, and soul. The body is a part of who I am. If I want to love myself fully and truly, I have to love myself now, at the weight that I am, at the size that I am, the way I am, right now. 

Sure I could use some more nutrition and exercise, who couldn’t?

But I am not a mistake. My body is not a mistake. 

It is not a mess, it is not a problem. Hell, I was beautiful before I got bariatric surgery. 

I have never loved another person less because they gained or lost weight. I want to apply that same standard to myself. A lot of people I hang out with are overweight, maybe because we can relate to each other better. I don’t know. A lot of people in this world are overweight. 

What I do know is that it’s not okay for me to hate my body. This is the only body I get in this life, it really is a temple, isn’t it? It holds my soul. 

I should cherish my body, not spit at it as if it has some disease. Thank god it doesn’t have some disease. My body is me, not all of me, but enough of me that it matters that I love it. 

My Body Can do Anything

Watch me dance

So how do I go about loving my body? 

I just do it. I just love it. With all its wrinkles and folds and bulges. All its curves and edges and shapes.

But if I can’t do it then I will start with not hating my body first. Let’s take baby steps. I don’t love my stretch marks, but I don’t have to actively despise them. I can feel neutral about them. In fact, I don’t have to love my body, although it would be ideal, but I can just be okay with it.

I will tell you a secret. There are times where I think I’m actually deformed I hate my body so much. Society, the world, has made me feel so disgusting about my body that I am even ashamed to admit how much I have hated it. 

But I’m willing to change. It’s not going to happen overnight. I’m not going to wake up and all of a sudden love my round belly. But I’m going to be kind to myself and to my body and give it the good vibrations it deserves. I will consider that it is normal to not be ‘perfect.’ That it is okay to have flaws, they are a part of my character. My body has a character and it has many idiosyncratic details that make it so damn unique.

We need to normalize the fact that we all have physical ‘flaws.’

I deserve this. I deserve to feel okay about this.  

I’m talking about myself but I believe many of you can relate. Love your body. Look at how much it does for you. It’s the only one you’ve got. 

And I’ll try to love mine. It will be hard. But all good things are. 

And I’m worth it.

Sure I want to lose weight, but I probably never will if I don’t appreciate what I have. I probably eat because I’m so unhappy with how I look. I’m going to do an experiment and stop hating this huge part of myself, no pun intended. Hopefully and eventually maybe love will come through, but even if it doesn’t right away, I want to exterminate the hate.  

I love my mind. I love my soul. Now it’s time to truly fall in love with my body if I want to be complete. 

So you want to call me fat? Go ahead, I’ll say it for you. Because I know my worth, I know who I am, what I am, and the fact that I am amazing at any size.

As are you.

nina