I Haven't Failed at Life

A Beautiful Mess

I feel like I’m painting my life and getting color all over myself.

I think the fact that I have failed so many times at so many things has made me a real person. I don’t live in a fantasy world where everything I want I get. I live in the real raw world where things I want I don’t always get, and many times, I fail to get the results I’m looking for. But I’ve realized something very important, it’s not about the results. It’s about the experience.

I am working on three books and two screenplays that have not made it to publication. And the experience of writing all of that work was extraordinary. I would not give that up even if they never get published. I write because I want to say something, I write because I want to express something. I write as a way to communicate with the world. Whether the world listens or not may not be the point. I’m here, I’m talking. I have a voice. 

It may not be the voice everyone wants to hear. And that’s okay. Sure I want praise and acclaim, or even just an audience. Hell, I want to win the Nobel Prize in Literature. That’s an actual goal of mine. If I get there, I get there, If I don’t it doesn’t mean I haven’t lived. I’ve lived, and I am living to tell you about it.

Rejection is hard. I’ve failed at relationships, at jobs, and at getting things published. Hell, I’ve failed at getting up in the morning some days. But do I have stories to tell about it. So many stories. So many reflections. 

I want to share the notion that if you think you are failing, you are probably growing. Failure is a sign of growth, it will make you stronger. Sure, winning is great. Success is wonderful. And I have had many successes along the way. I am not opposed to or against victory. I want to be a world-renowned writer.

But it has occurred to me that the process of getting there is the real experience. When they tell the story of a famous person who succeeds, they always show how hard it was, not how easy. Because it is not easy. We all know the routine, it took JK Rowling a ton of rejections before she became a household name. 

But what about those talented people who never make it to the pinnacle of success. What of their stories? Will we read them and weep? Or will we say that they too lived? That life is not about winning awards like the Nobel Prize in Literature. 

They did a study on people who suddenly became disabled and people who won the lottery. They found that after a few years the happiness factor for both the disabled people and those who won the lottery was the same as it was before any of those things happened to them. They also found that the people who became disabled were not less happy than those who won the lottery. Their happiness had nothing to do with their exterior experience.  

If that is not proof that happiness is a state of mind, nothing is. It honestly and truly does not matter if we ‘win’ at this thing called life. Because what one person calls winning, another is dying with. 

We see this in celebrities. Why are they so unhappy when they are stars. They won acclaim, fame, the money. And many, many, of them are miserable. 

Most of us are normal people who are not going to win the Academy Award in Screenwriting, another goal of mine. Most of us are just going to hang out on planet earth and be. We all are something to someone. Our lives matter whether or not we get that promotion, can buy that house, or have that kid who goes to the Ivy Leagues. 

My Parent’s Basement

Look, I’m 45 years old and I just moved out of my parent’s basement. Even though it was a beautiful luxury walkout basement with lots of windows and a kitchen and everything I needed, I still felt like I was failing in some way. I want to stop feeling that way. 

Sure there were reasons that I stayed at home, like suffering from Bipolar Disorder and Depression. But even those things are not failures. They are simply part of who I am. 

I am not a failure, even though I have failed over and over and over again. Words and language matter. I don’t want to think of myself as a failure. In fact, I refuse to do so. 

That’s me refusing to let the wind knock me down…

Even if I’m upside down.

Instead, I think of myself as a work in progress, and the progress should never end. This is a project that has no deadline and there will be no final output. There will just be a series of experiences and I will live through them and I will recall them.   

I’m not on that fake superficial timeline that everyone has in their heads about how life should be. I didn’t get married or have any children. That has not been my path so far, but every chance I have had I have tried to live my life to the fullest. I am the one in the room that laughs the loudest and makes others laugh. 

The biggest compliment anyone ever gave me was when two of my closest friends independently told me they had never laughed as hard with anyone as they had with me. I would call that a success in life.   

Once a friend in college told me I was wise, and another friend said I was the mature friend in her life. I have not been successful at romantic relationships so far, but I have been successful at friendships. I have truly amazing friends because I think I am a good friend. 

I remember once someone saying if you have one good friend in your life you are so very lucky. Well, I have several, and I count them as blessings. Those are the real successes in my life: people, relationships. My family, as crazy as all families are, I’m very close to mine. That’s success.  

We tend to think that life is measured by these ‘wins.’ It’s not, it’s a big joke. It’s a farce. It’s a house of mirrors. Many of those who have what we want are miserable, and many people who have half of what we have, are content. 

Because life is complex and winning is losing and losing is winning, sometimes. But the thing is I have the spiritual belief that ego is what will kill your soul. Humility is said to be able to save you. 

So I will humbly accept my failures while still striving to be the best that I can be. 

But know this: I am enough. 

And so are you.

nina