Laugh While You're Crying

Cry While You’re Laughing

Whatever it is…

I was hanging out with some friends and they asked me what I was looking for in a potential romantic partner. “We have to be able to laugh together, because if we don’t die laughing, we’ll die crying,” was my response. If I really used Twitter I would Tweet that to the world. 

Because let’s face the reality, It’s five a.m. and I’m not really in the mood to laugh because I haven’t slept all night. I don’t want to cry, yet, but nothing seems funny at the moment. Least of all the fact that I don’t have a significant other. 

But if someone were here right now next to me, maybe they could make me laugh at all this. In many ways I think life is this big joke that’s being played on us. We take all this stuff we do seriously and then we die anyways. 

So then what of the meaning of life? Is there a meaning? Or are there meanings? Everyone gets to decide what their own meaning is. I want my life to mean that I loved hard, that I created and expressed myself, that I laughed and made others laugh, that I was joyful and brought joy to other people. And I am a teacher, so I guess I would want my life to also mean that I engaged others in some kind of wisdom that is unique to me. And mostly I want to be my unique self and express that in every way possible.  

Your meaning may be totally different. It’s no less or more meaningful than mine. It is what it is. 

As for my potential significant other, I’m looking for someone who shares and enhances the meaning in my life. Someone who cares that they have meaning in their life. Someone who wants to be happy. 

And there it is, the answer that most people have. I just want to be happy. 

But what is happiness? Is it having everything you want? Everything you need? I mean there are some baseline things. Can you really be happy if you don’t know where your next meal is coming from? Can you be happy if you are in chronic pain? 

Actually surprisingly I think the answer is yes, you can actually be happy even if everything has turned to shit. How is that possible? I don’t know, but I hear rumors about people living in all kinds of conditions that we would find horrifying but they still seem to find peace. 

Is happiness just a state of mind? I like to think it’s circumstances and state of mind. The happiest countries they have found have free health care and free higher education. Apparently not worrying that you will die of a disease because you don’t have enough money can cause unhappiness. Who would of thought?

But there is also a state of mind factor. Look I could be really upset right now because I can’t sleep, but I can write at the moment, and most of the time I’m upset that I can’t write. Maybe I should just go with the flow. So I can’t sleep, but I am able to write down some ‘deep’ thoughts and ponder the meaning of existence. No small feat in the middle of the night. 

My point is, I could decide that I’m happy. I could just decide to be happy. I’ve read from many different sources that if you think happy thoughts, you attract happy circumstances. Happiness also is not a one-tone event. It’s not like Ha ha ha, all the time. Happiness includes tears and fear and mistakes and broken dreams. 

Happiness is complex. We are complicated and messy and we often don’t like this about ourselves. But the truth is, we didn’t come here for a one-note spectacular experience. Maybe true happiness is experiencing it all. The agony and the ecstasy. The ups the downs, the upside downs. 

Maybe happiness is sitting up in a room in the middle of the night and typing away at your computer until you find out that there are no answers to give, only more questions to ask. Maybe this is happiness.

I’m frustrated, I’m tired, I keep eating because I can’t sleep. Things are going on in my life that are chaotic. I’m worried about money and other things I can’t even talk about in a public forum. I’m worried about people in my life that are close to me. I’m scared, I’m scared it won’t all work out in the end.

But on the other hand, there is so much I am grateful for. I’m thankful for all this good food I keep eating all night, and my close friends, and my family. I have more clothes than god and more stuff than I know what to do with. I actually love teaching, I love writing, I love what I do. 

Be You

And happiness will follow…

So if I want to be happy, I can make that choice. I can choose it over and over again. Because being happy does not mean not being sad. I can be a happy person and cry like a baby. 

I want so badly to be a happy person. I am at times, but I have struggled these past six months with circumstances that have made me unhappy. In order to protect the privacy of the people I love I will not go into these circumstances but just know that I understand the struggle is real. 

There are people and circumstances that are so horrific we cannot just say, “Don’t worry, be happy!” But most of us are living in circumstances that could go either way. Is the glass half full or empty? Which way will we go with all of this? 

I want my meaning to be that happiness is a choice even when it feels like it isn’t a choice. I want to believe that I can always choose to be happy. Remember “Life is Beauitful” the movie about a guy who makes his kid think the Holocaust is a game, a fun game…

This could all be a fun game if we let it. It is what we make it to be, is it not? 

Happiness could actually be a figment of our imagination, so could unhappiness. 

We are making this all up as we go along. We are what we imagine we are. 

“Imagine all the people living life in peace...you may say I’m dreamer, but I’m not the only one…”

So I’m going to try to choose my state of mind wisely. Because thoughts create emotions, and emotions create thoughts. If I want control of my emotions, I need to control my thoughts. Thinking happy thoughts will make me feel happy.

I think maybe I can think myself into happiness. Can you imagine?

It’s just a thought I have. 

I mentioned before about the study they did with people who suddenly became disabled and those who won the lottery. Let me repeat, after a certain amount of time, the people who won the lottery were not any happier than the people who just became disabled. Most people in the study went back to how happy they were before any of it happened. They were a certain percentage happy and they stayed that way no matter what happened. 

That percentage of happy that I am inside, I want to make that greater, no matter what happens. 

How do I do that? Maybe it’s just a simple decision. 

I don’t have to do anything to be happy. I have to be, I have to be the thing itself. I have to be happy. It’s a state of being not doing.

I am happy. 

I’ll start there. 

nina