I'm Still Good...

I mentioned in earlier posts that I snapped out of my depression. I usually snap out of depression, I think it’s because I’m Bipolar. I’m not manic though, I’m just not depressed right now. I’m a little hypomanic, which is an elevated state where you feel a lot of energy.

I only slept three and a half hours last night. But I don’t feel in danger of having a manic episode, I haven’t had one in sixteen years. I know how to manage this elevated state and I know what to do if I feel I’m bordering on becoming manic.

What I do feel is relief. I feel peaceful and happy. I haven’t felt this good in a long time. I was depressed for more than a year.

It was hard, very hard. I was in a dark place. I never became suicidal, but I imagined what would happen if I died. I don’t wish this state of mind on anyone.

I feel like I woke up from a very bad dream. There is a residual effect, I fear I will fall back into that state.

I have a choice right now, I can build on this good feeling and try my very best to be well. I can meditate and write and talk to my friends, these are things that help me. I can exercise, I can eat healthily, try to sleep normally, and take care of myself. I can work at this.

I don’t know if happiness is a choice, but I’m going to choose it anyways.

There are still many circumstances in my life that are not ideal, the reason I fell into this depression to begin with. But it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you react to it. Nothing in the outer circumstances of my life have changed, but my insides are changing.

I have a chemical imbalance, that is what Bipolar Disorder is. I don’t blame myself for falling into depression. And I’m not congratulating myself for feeling better. I don’t know why I feel better. It’s spring, I have Seasonal Affect Disorder. Every spring I feel better.

But this time it is more pronounced, this change.

I believe there are bigger things at play, I think I prayed a lot to be healed and I think god heard me. I would go to sleep at night and say tomorrow I could snap out of this. I knew that is how it would happen because that’s how my system works. And one day it happened, I just snapped out of it.

Did I choose to feel better? I think I did. But there are things that are not in our control, like if you are depressed and you can’t just feel better, you may not be able to wish it away. Chemistry and mental illness are so complex.

Me for the past year

I made a mess and slept on top of it…

Last year was the worst year of my life. It’s gonna take a minute to unravel the mess I made of my life in that year.

I don’t know why life is so hard.

But life can be so good too. Yesterday I spent the entire day with one of my best friends and we literally just talked for about ten hours. We had deep meaningful conversations, we laughed, we made each other think. We ate a lot of good food. We took a drive.

I feel alive again.

I would like to take a moment to thank all the people who have seen me through this past year, my friends, and my family. Without them, I would not have gotten through this.

I’m going to be OK.

I would like to thank god, I believe in god. I stopped meditating for an entire year. But god was still with me, she got me through this. I was mad at god for letting this happen to me, but he was still there.

Because there is a part of god inside me, my soul. I was mad at my soul. But my soul was still there.

My soul has awoken from a deep slumber and I feel refreshed.

Life’s a bitch, but it’s such a beautiful bitch that you can’t hate her.

nina