To the Son I Never Had

 They say it's too late, I'm too oldcobwebs in my womb.Global warming, the end of the world as we know itall these are good reasons i never even tried to have youlittle boy with the mismatched socks and tousled hair.it wasn't an abortion, I was never pregnant, I was nevercounting my neversi won't be your motherI won't know the songs you singin your bathtuband see the tiny trains in your growing hands.i can't read you ridiculous tales about magiciansand sorcerers and dragons who haunt you at night.i can't hold you when you shiver from a feverand wonder if there's a monster under the bed?I'm the monster with a barren womb.i won't know your games, your sports, the way youkick a red soccer ball into the sky.I've looked at many skies and seen your eyesI'm a woman, a feministwhy did I want a son?I wanted to teach you how to bethe man I wish existed,i would make you him.but i would still let you be youbecause identity is all we haveafter the referees go home.I didn't win this onemaybe next timein my next lifeI will have a child.But this time I finally saygood bye to youthe little boy, the manthe son I never had.nina