My Me Too Story

Why don't some women report rape or attempted rape right after it happens?I'll tell you why. Because it usually happens with someone you know. Someone in your friend's circle, or in your family. It is often times someone you trust. That's what happened to me.When I was in my twenties, a relative of mine came into my bed at night and started moving around until I jumped out of the bed and hid in the bathroom. He claims he 'accidentally' ended up in my bed. Explain to me how that happens. He had been inappropriately making comments and looking at me wrong since I was fourteen. He would essentially flirt with me. I wasn't imagining this, as his family claims. And I'm not making it up.The thing is, I really liked this particular man, he made me uncomfortable, but he was so cool and so much fun, I tried to overlook that. If I'm going to be honest, I will say that I had a platonic love for this man. The horrible thing you can't even admit to yourself is that you don't always stop loving someone in your family even though they sexually violate you.Anyways, I told my parents who were extremely supportive, I am very lucky for that. A cousin of mine asked me why I didn't report the incident to the police right away. I have to tell you, it was not even in my realm of thought to do that. I didn't even consider it. This man was one of the patriarchs of our family, he was famous in his own community. He also takes care of a really sick relative of mine. I just never even thought of actually reporting it. And since I luckily managed to escape the situation, I thought there was nothing to report.However, when my mom told our extended family that's when things got ugly. The family started taking sides, they would have long debates about whether or not it was an 'accident.' I was not part of these debates. They were having debates about whether a man tried to rape me, without me being present. My parents were a part of these debates. I'm assuming they took my side, but that is irrelevant, this was going on in my home.When I found out about these discussions I almost threw up and I ran away from home and took my dad's credit card and stayed at an expensive hotel. That was my rebellion.To this day, that man and his family claim that I am deluded and that it was all a 'misunderstanding.' And when they found out about my problems with mental illness, I'm sure they had a field day with that. Crazy people are usually making up sexual assault, don't you know? Insane women are imaging that men want to have sex with them when that is clearly impossible, how can you believe anything they say? I'm not exactly a credible witness in some people's eyes.I started to have panic attacks after this incident, due to the fact that it reminded me of something that happened when I was very young. I won't get into that here, but let's just say this wasn't the first time something like this had happened to me. I still don't know how to talk about any of it, and I question whether I should talk about it at all. Especially in a public forum like this.Why do I do this? Because I want others to understand how difficult it is for a person to admit that they have been sexually violated.Would I have been better off if I did not report it to my family? I don't think so. I think I would have started cutting myself or tried to commit suicide or something if I had kept it inside of me. I don't care how messed up my family is, I'm glad I told them. I had to tell my story.Why don't I out the person who did it to me right here, right now? Because I'm still afraid of the repercussions of doing that. It happened twenty years ago, and I'm still not ready to publically humiliate the man who sexually harassed me and violated me since I was fourteen.This man is a respected man in his community. He is a very religious man. I'm the loose unmarried woman with the questionable morals. I'm the one with the history of mania and depression. I'm the psychotic one. I could say this man's name right now and somewhat taint his reputation. Try to ensure that it doesn't happen to another woman.But I'm too scared to do that. Things in my family would get crazier than they already are. I'm sure my family will be devastated that I am even writing this. We are a good family. Stuff like this doesn't happen in our house.Except when it does.We are Indian don't you know. The Indian and Sikh community is small. Everyone knows everyone.I know what they would say about me. It would become about me, it would never be about what he did. I don't have the energy to go through that. Maybe I'm weak.But please tell me you understand.The reason I decided to become public about this has a lot to do with this college student of mine who had a panic attack in front of me, after class, the day Trump was elected. She said she had been sexually assaulted and Trump's election reminded her that powerful men can get away with anything. I told her I understood, I have experience with this. I told her it's OK to panic, that she was not misguided in her anxiety. I will never forget her face when she fell to the floor crying. She thanked me for being supportive. It was the very least I could do.If I decide to out the man who victimized me ten years from now, it will be thirty years since it occurred. Can you even understand a little bit why I would be hesitant to do this? Can you understand what I am afraid of?I'm afraid of people like you judging me.Trump recently tweeted that women should report sexual violations immediately. He would be in jail if women actually did that.So please don't say you don't understand why women don't report sexual violations. It's so complicated and was a lot more complicated thirty years ago. Please don't judge us.We are not the ones who did something wrong.Honestly, I fear the consequences of posting this on the World Wide Web, but I'm going to do it anyways...nina