The Worst Day Of My Life--Repost
Saturday, September 26, 2015
“Rockbottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”
― J.K. Rowling
Have I told youthis story before? I don't think I have. It still feels so raw to me, like ithappened yesterday...but it was a while ago.
It was when I hitrock bottom.
This is the worst Ihave ever felt in my entire life.
I was in thehospital due to a manic episode because I was not taking my Bipolar medication.They gave me a medication, Haldol, and I received the worst side effectsimaginable. I became psychosomatically paralyzed. I could not move my body. Oneof the side effects is Parkinson's like symptoms. However no one realized thatthis was a side effect and they just thought I was truly losing my mind andbody.
For a few days ofmy life I could not feed myself, dress myself, or go to the bathroom by myself.And I was in a wheelchair. I know there are people who live like this always,and I honestly cannot tell you the extent to which we could learn from them.When you have to ask a friend to feed you because the nurse refuses, thinks youare faking it, as your hands are shaking, you know that this new"friend" is someone to remember. But I don't remember her name, Iremember her face though. I will never forget her gentle hands as she spoonedfood into my mouth.
When you can't function for yourself, there is a certain intimacy you feel forthose around you who help. There is a gratefulness, a humility.
I'm gonna bestraight up honest, if you have to ask someone to wipe your ass, and theyactually do it, it changes both of you. The nurse I had didn't want to do itbut she could clearly see I couldn't. I have never felt so desperate, somortified as I did at that moment.
If the tables ever turn and I have to do this for someone else, I will knowwhat a sensitive and honorable gift this is.
One night I had somehow crawled to the bathroom, and I lay there underneath the cold toilet because I could not hoist myself up. It was the middle of the night and no one was there to help me. As I lay there, I looked at the toilet and I looked at the ceiling. I remember the dirty floor beneath me.
I had a little talkwith god or the universe, or the source in my head. Whatever you want to callher. I told her that if she could get me out of this, I would do everything, anythingshe wanted me to do. That if I could just get out of this, I could do anything.I would be true, whatever the hell that meant. I would do the right thing,whatever that means. I would do what I came here on this earth to do, whateverthat is.
Low and behold afew days later the drug wore off and I could walk again.
It's been manyyears now, and sometimes I think I forget what it was like to be paralyzed forthat short period of time. But one thing I did not forget was the promise Imade in that bathroom. I wait sometimes, listening to my own self, my ownheart, waiting for a sign from god that is going to tell me exactly what shewants me to do.
Most of it issilence, and I think I get it now. She doesn't want me to forget. Compared tothat person lying underneath that toilet, I have everything now. And I stilldon't know it.
Since this episode there have been times I have been depressed and"paralyzed" in my bed. However even in these times, what I didn'trealize is that I could move. I am lucky...
I have the ability to dance, and I'm sitting it out half of thetime. Is god going to tell me exactly what she wants me to do now that Ipromised I would do it? Probably not.
She will show me,as she always has. I've decided that the only thing god wants from me is tolive, really move this body and mind, really live. What does that mean? Itmeans experiencing the beauty of life while being myself.
Maybe you arereading this because she wants the same for you.
nina
