I'm Not Aware of Too Many Things...

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So after tutoring for some time now, it has occurred to me that I don’t know that much. I teach all subjects right now, but let me ask you this: do you know what a lipid is? Do you know how to factor polynomials? Do you even know what a polynomial is? I didn’t until yesterday, and I’m not sure I know now. It seems to me that I have a Master’s Degree, in English mind you, but I really don’t know that much about anything.

I learn more from these kids I tutor then they do from me, hands down. I watch their school videos and online videos and I often teach them something I just learned, like that minute. The difference between them and me is that I have used my brain for many more years and I can supposedly pick up on stuff faster. Usually, I can, except for the rare instance where I just don’t understand something. I am very honest with them when I don’t get something. I think it helps them to see that even their teacher doesn’t know it all. It makes them less insecure about their own intelligence.

I definitely don’t know it all, I’m not sure if I know enough stuff as an adult. Like I’m talking information. I mean do I really understand how chemical molecules work? Do I really get the Pythagorean Theorem? I understand Socrates and Shakespeare a lot better, that is probably because they are in my line of work, but still.

I don’t know much.

I’m not trying to be fake modest because I went to an Ivy League school, I’m not kidding. What have I learned in the last forty-three years? I barely understand Capitalism, I understand very little about the Vietnam War and I don’t remember a lot of my multiplication tables. Is that sad? I don’t know, you tell me. Where do you stand?

I am so amazed when I watch things like Jeopardy and these seemingly regular people have all this information at the tip of their tongues. I will admit, I don’t watch shows like that very often because I would rather binge watch a show on Netflix, probably part of the problem here.

I like documentaries, but not like about geology or volcanoes, I like docu-dramas about like Michael Jackson and Britney Spears. They need to come out with at least a Lifetime movie about Britney’s breakdown. I mean I draw the line at watching the Kardashians color their hair on their ‘reality’ show, but I’m not exactly seeking knowledge.

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Well, that’s not exactly true. I’m not seeking information, I am seeking wisdom and truth. I read about spirituality, psychology, philosophy, and politics. I just don’t know what E=mc squared really means. I don’t even know how to make a squared icon on the computer.

My biggest intellectual dilemma lately is whether or not I should finish this audible novel I started listening to in my car, I have no idea how far in the book I’ve come. It’s not riveting, but I kind of want to know what happens to Jack. I’m past the midpoint, should I go on? I’m a little bored, but still curious.

That’s the kind of things that writers and English majors think about. My dad once told me that Calculus is the meaning of life. I still have no idea how to translate that. I almost failed Calculus in high school and I literally took a nap during the final A.P. Calculus exam. Shocking that I didn’t get any credit for it.

But I will say I am impressed with my ability to pick up on new things that I learn with these kids. My brain actually still works, which is a plus since I’m also having early symptoms of dementia and can’t remember what I was just going to say or why I walked into a room.

So if my brain is still operating at a decent speed, why am I not thirsting for worldly knowledge? Why don’t I read books about physics and chemistry? Because I honestly feel like my brain can only devour and remember so much and I want to fill it with what I find interesting and important. And one of those things is finding out what happens to Jack in the audible book. I ponder the meaning of life and my identity. I mean really, who am I?

Instead of solving math problems, me and my best friend like to ‘solve the world’s problems.’ We discuss anything from human trafficking to Joe Biden’s ‘me too’ moment. Everything is up for grabs, except like engineering and stuff. Or math. We never talk about numbers, unless they are very vague numbers like the trillions of dollars in debt the U.S. is in.

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See, I can even slip in a big number every now and then in my thought processes. Look, I’m not one of those all around geniuses that just remembers everything or knows a lot. I know what I know. Have you ever heard that song, “I’m not aware of too many things, I know what I know if you know what I mean…” That’s kind of how I feel.

I’m aware and I fell I’m relatively woke. But I’m no know-it-all. And guess what, I’m OK with that. I like literature and poetry and art films, and slow music. I think the human experience is most understood through people’s stories. That’s why I tell stories. To understand and explain myself.

So why am I ranting about this? Because I feel a little stupid, I’m not going to lie. Should I feel that way? I’m not sure. Maybe I should understand more about the greenhouse effect and the ozone layer. I just know we have to protect the environment, but hell if I know the specifics of how nature works.

Is that OK? Is it OK to be like relatively aware of what is going on in the world and very aware of what you personally are interested in? I hope so, I really don’t have any plans to change myself. It’s not that I don’t care about the workings of science or whatever, it’s just that I think some other stuff is more interesting.

Perhaps I’m more interested in the mind and soul. I don’t know, or original Netflix shows. (My current dilemma is whether or not I should watch the show, The Handmaid's Tale on Hulu when the novel really depressed me). But I do think about America's dystopian future.

Either way, I’ve been officially humbled.

nina