Feeling High
So I was doing meditation today, and I literally felt high. I worried for a moment that I was getting manic since I have Manic Depression. But then it occurred to me that no, I was not remotely feeling manic. I was literally just truly happy. I’ve been carrying around a residue of that feeling for the entire day. I've been singing to myself all day.
Part of my happiness is about the fact that my best friend will be in town again this weekend and we will be staying at my sister’s place. But I don’t think that’s all of it. I think there is something happening inside me, some metamorphosis. I think that this is what happiness feels like.
I’ve known bouts of great happiness before, but it was always based on circumstances that came and went. Now I will admit that my circumstances are wonderful at this moment. I mean I just got a new iPhone, my best friend is coming to town, I lost weight this week again. But I get this distinct feeling that what I am experiencing would happen regardless of my situation.
I think this is coming from inside of me rather than outside of me. This is the most beautiful feeling I have had in a long time. It’s like falling in love. But instead of falling in love with another person, I’m falling in love with my life. With all of life. With life itself.
I think the reason for this is simple. I have finally connected with my soul. How do I know? I don't. I just have a feeling.
How do I know this is not mania? Oh I know, when I’m manic I am agitated, anxious, jittery, and unable to relax. When I’m manic I want to spend money and do other reckless things. I don’t feel any of that. I feel perfect.
I feel perfect even though I’m having a bad hair day, I left my make-up bag at home and am going to my sisters, I had to spend 400 dollars to fix my car and I’ve been fighting with my mom. None of that matters to me right now. I’m just happy. I took a walk and it was beautiful outside. I came to work and everything is good right now.
I fear that I will jinx myself and this will all go away in a hot second. But I’ll be honest, I don’t really fear that. Because this feeling is not about the things or people around me, it’s just about me, inside me. My soul. My soul is finally happy.
Glory, glory hallelujah!
On this day, I am thankful, I am grateful. Thank you god. Thank you universe.
Thank you, people, for listening to me go on and on, about whatever I feel like going on and on about. I went to this blank page thinking I had nothing to say. No problem to talk about. No issue to deal with.
And it’s true that I don’t feel troubled. But I still have something to say.
There is good. Believe in it.
Love.
nina