The Patient Sikh: Part Thirty-One--To Believe or Not To Believe

This an excerpt from a novel in progress and a work of fiction.

So the thing is now that I don’t have Sonny to talk to, I have to talk to someone, so I started talking to god. I will tell you that god of ours is not much of a talker. I think she’s listening, but what do I know? I tell him how beautiful the sun in the winter is on the snow. I want her to know that she did a really good job with creation and stuff.

I’m not a religious person, but I like god. How do I know there is even a god that exists? It’s a feeling, I’ve had this feeling since I was like five years old. I remember I was sitting on our red rocking chair and I said to myself, what if there is nothing? I was five at the time, but I was still asking a very deep question. Then I closed my eyes and felt something, I had a feeling that there has always been something. That I am something. That there is a big something out there.

I think the soul talks through feelings, not through the mind. I felt god that day, and since that day I have had a very strong belief in something more than myself. When I was fourteen I really learned about meditation and tried it myself. I felt this peace and bliss that I have never felt before. I don’t know why I don’t do it more, but I guess that’s just the way it is.

I think god is a feeling and I think that is the only words we can use to describe her. He is a feeling of love. A deep and majestic feeling like you have never felt before. I mean I like people more than god, I’m not gonna lie. I’ve never met god, at least not in this life. But I feel like I’m a part of her.

So I go to this meditation group with some of Sarita’s friends from the temple. They believe in Sai Baba, he’s a living prophet. I’m not sure what I think about him, but everything they tell me seems cool. The only problem I have is that some people think he’s god. I don’t think anyone is god.

So we are all sitting around Tej’s bedroom meditating. His friend Sahej is there and so is Sarita. “Swami came to me in my dream,” Sahej says as we open our eyes.

“How do you know it was him and not your subconscious?” I ask.

“He is my subconscious, there is no difference,” he says.

“So that dream I had that I was stabbed by my sister and then started to fly, is Swami too?” I ask.

“You have to be very discriminating as to what dreams are him and which are not,” Sahej says and looks at me unapprovingly.

“I’m sorry but I could say god came to me in a dream, but god is my imagination, so when is he not coming to me in my dreams?” I ask ignoring Sahej’s stare. I look down at the brown carpet.

“Who told you god is your imagination?” Tej asks me and smiles a coy smile.

I look over at his cream-colored bedspread and then to the candle he lit in the middle of us. “I just think that creativity is coming from god,” I try to explain. Sarita is in la la land, not really noticing the conversation.

“I could buy that,” Sarita says out of nowhere. She moves a curly lock of hair out of her face.

“I thought you were asleep,” I say to her. “Do you even believe in god?” I ask knowing that she has doubts.

“That’s a good question. I like the idea of god. I think he brings people together, like this, he creates community. He makes us think there is something more to live for,” she continues.

“Do you think there actually is something more out there?” I ask, fascinated by the fact that she does all this stuff for the temple but is not sure if she believes in any of it.

“Maybe, there’s a possibility. I think god is not a probability, but a possibility. Again, the idea of him makes people do good things,” Sarita sighs.

“And bad things,” I add. “Like war and genocide.”

“Those things did not happen because of god,” Sahej comments.

“But people say they are doing those things in god’s name,” I say and look at him directly, wanting to fight a little. I’m a little attracted to him when he gets a little angry look in his eyes. “I’m just saying don’t you think the idea of god has caused more bad than good?”

“So you don’t believe in god?” Tej asks and takes off his glasses and gives them a rub with his white shirt.

“I do believe in god, I just don’t believe in religion,” I say.

“To believe in Swami, you can be any religion or no religion,” Sahej says. He went to Swami’s school in India for four years.

“I’m gonna be straight up, I think Swami is great and everything, but I think he’s just another prophet,” I say and dart my eyes around the room, hoping I didn’t offend everyone.

“What does ‘just another prophet’ mean? All the prophets were great,” Sahej says.

“That’s great and all, but I get this eerie feeling you are obsessed with him the same way Christians are obsessed with Jesus.”

“Jesus and Swami are the same soul,” Sahej replies.

“Yeah, but I’m also the same soul as Swami, if everything is one, and everything is all part of the oversoul,” I say, getting a bit flustered.

“‘The only difference between you and me is that I know I am god.’ That is a direct quote from Swami,” Tej says blinking his eyes.

“You guys are going back and forth and saying the same thing,” Sarita interjects.

“I guess we are,” I respond and smile.

Sometimes I feel like it’s all the same, everything. Whether it’s religion, spirituality, or atheism. We are all saying the same thing, just in different words. We all believe in love because in the end that is all there is to believe in.

I don’t know if god is listening, but I want to tell her this: Thanks for inventing love. It’s the only good thing there is. It might be all there is.

nina

If you would like to read the beginning of this novel in progress, The Patient Sikh, visit the following links in chronological order:

The Patient Sikh: Part One

The Patient Sikh: Part Two–The Wonder Years

The Patient Sikh: Part Three–Sonny

The Patient Sikh: Part Four–Song Lyrics

The Patient Sikh: Part Five–Your Song

The Patient Sikh: Part Six–Coffee Talk

The Patient Sikh: Part Seven–Chocolate Covered Love

The Patient Sikh: Part Eight–Kiss And Tell

The Patient Sikh: Part Nine–Street Chess

The Patient Sikh: Part Ten–Ravi