100 #'s Less, 100% More!
What does it feel like to lose 100 pounds? I won’t lie, it feels amazing. But my work is not done, I’m not ready to announce how much more weight I’d like to lose because frankly, I’m embarrassed that I’ve lost over a 100 pounds and I’m still this fat. I’m not being negative, I’m being honest.
But announcing to the world the truth of my journey was surprisingly freeing in so many ways. I was carrying the burden of shame. And I truly appreciate with sincere gratitude all the people who told me how inspired they are by my journey.
That is the main reason that I put it all out there. I feel like someone will get something out of this. It has to be worth something. Nothing is by accident. Perhaps my having gone through this can help others in similar situations.
But I will tell you honesty is hard. This is hard. But it is good. It is better.
Lately, I definitely feel more attractive but I can’t figure out if men find me pretty or not. I’m over forty and I’m by no means thin.
I take care of myself again now, I get my nails and hair done and put on makeup and jewelry. Not that every woman needs to do this, I just enjoy it and for me, it is a sign of mental health. Also, I have noticed that now I want to look nice for myself, not to impress other people but to feel good about myself.
I feel a lot more confident. Oddly, or maybe not so oddly, I feel like I understand people better. People treat you differently the more ‘normal’ and attractive you are. Especially men.
This, of course, should not be the case, but sadly it is the way people are. But now there is a part of me that can recognize those people who would have judged me for my previous weight.
What's interesting is some of these people are my friends and I know they judged me at my heaviest. I don't judge them for judging me. I just know. That is their limitation and is more about how they see themselves than me.
I am trying really hard not to judge myself for what I became.
There’s this creepy guy who recently started staring at me at work. Though I’m flattered anyone is looking at me, I’m reminded of how my sexuality scares even me.
But if I do feel like if a man is attracted to me, I more in control. Like I call the shots on how I will be perceived. Anyone can objectify me, that’s their right, but I am now giving the subconscious message that I will not be fucked with.
I don’t entertain men the way I used to. There’s this thing women do around men in order to be liked that I used to do. It’s something I feel I was socialized into doing. Making men feel good about themselves. I don’t care to do that anymore. I’m more authentic.
I don’t care as much if people like me, I care if I like them. A condition of being obese is that you feel invisible even though you are so big. I feel more seen now, but less like I stand out.
I am surprisingly not afraid that I will ever gain the weight back. It was a miserable existence on so many levels that weren’t just physical. I literally can’t go back there. And physically I feel like I can move around and literally do anything now. Mentally, I also feel free.
I am also confident that I will get to my goal. I know I’m capable of anything now. Not just my weight loss goal, but my goal to be a successful writer and professor and my goal to find love.
Who knows, maybe I’ll adopt some kid one day and try not to make them as crazy as I am. I have a party trick where I do impressions of my mother in a really bad Indian accent. White people love it! Maybe I’ll take that show on the road one day.
I feel like achieving something like this all of a sudden opened all these doors in life I never even knew existed.
I can literally do anything I want. So can you by the way.
What I really feel passionate about in life is spirituality, because that is the foundation of how I got here. Everything changed the day I made a vow to meditate every single day. I feel actual euphoria and joy while I meditate and it lasts with me all day.
Spirituality makes you understand that the body is so not important and so important both at the same time. I am my body and at the same time, I am not.
Take a moment with that.
In actuality, I love my body. I really mean that. I mean that even though I may get plastic surgery for some excess skin when I reach my goal. I mean that even though I know I’m still overweight.
But more important than loving my body, I love me. I actually love myself. When I was in the best shape of my life physically, I didn’t even like myself.
I’m in love with myself, which makes me love other people more deeply. I love life, I love the world even though I’m aware of all of its ugliness. So aware.
But I sometimes just think of my roses that I planted this year, they are struggling to survive but they are coming back bigger and more beautiful than when I bought them.
I’m bigger than I was at my most fit, but I’m better now. I prefer this. I don’t mind imperfection. I mind my own perfectionism.
I am perfect.
And I am so not even close to perfect.
Both at the same time.
It is lovely to know yourself.
Nina