Happyish...
I guess I’m sitting here, in my living room, watching the wind on the trees through the window, wondering what happiness really is. I’m trying to tune out a loud Indian soap opera my mom is watching where women continue to scream and shout. I could go downstairs to my apartment in the basement, but there is a part of me that doesn’t want to be alone.
I think if I lived alone, I would probably go to a cafe to write this, just so I could be around people. But writing is, after all, a lonely profession. Maybe happiness is too. I wonder sometimes if other people give you more grief than happiness. I guess it depends on the people.
I have many friends who are introverts and I wonder about that too. Maybe they like themselves more than I do, I spend a decent amount of time alone, especially in the mornings, but after like four hours, I need to talk to or see someone. I realize there are people who don’t need that.
But back to the happiness bit. I guess I’m back to asking myself, am I happy? And what would make me happy? It’s funny I was just telling my friend I am happyish. She said I should be OK with that. But of course, I want more.
So I went to Walmart and walked around a bit and I was driving home and looking at some flowers and all of a sudden I felt joy. Someone once said something about how joy is different than happiness. I think there might be something to that. Joy comes and goes, I guess happiness does too. But I think happiness is based more on external things going well, whereas joy can be found in anything.
I think part of the reason my happiness factor has gone down is that I’m not walking a lot lately, not getting enough movement. And with that movement, I was getting a lot of nature, which I’m also missing. So I’m gonna walk first thing tomorrow morning. I’m going to do this.
I was thinking maybe finding a soul mate might make me happy. But as my friend pointed out, there is much misery that comes with dating’s small happiness. I don’t think anyone else can give this happiness or joy back to me. I want both I’ve decided, happiness and joy. Not even sure what the difference is, or what either means, but I know I want them.
I also have not been writing as much as I would like to, I think all of this put together is affecting my state of mind. I need to get back on track in every way. Also, my weight has been stalling lately, not because I’m doing all the right things, but because I’m not. I went on vacation and yada, yada, yada. But I need to get back on track with everything.
Again, it’s that mind, body, soul solution. It’s the answer to my problems at least. I’ve started reading spiritual stuff again, and that is activating me to get in touch with myself more deeply. I think life happens in waves and everyone has moments where they are not exactly where they’d like to be.
I want myself back.
I also want my meditation to extend to the rest of my life. That mindfulness stuff. Noticing what I’m doing, feeling what I’m feeling, really living each moment. Being here, totally here.
I could clean up my room as well. It’s still a total disaster area, hurricane nina since my closet broke. Someone is fixing it this week. But I have to clean the room enough so someone can actually get to the closet. Right now there are clothes everywhere, literally, everywhere. I have no idea where anything is. I decide what I’m going to wear by picking whatever comes up and wearing it.
It’s a mess.
And it’s probably not helping my mental state. I do often think of that song though, “Oh yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill, of livin is gone…” John Cougar Mellencamp. He is right. It was thrilling for a while to lose all this weight and get rid of my depression and do so much writing. But now it’s kind of all normalized. Not that I shouldn’t appreciate it. But life goes on, whether your happy or not or things are going well or not.
It just keeps going on and on.
Things are still pretty wonderful, I have to say. And I still feel amazing. I just don’t feel as fantastic about feeling fantastic. If that makes any sense. I’m no longer in awe of the fact that I feel great. But I still feel great.
I feel like I need to center myself more and focus on my inner life a little closer right now. I’ve been around people a lot this summer and it has been fun, but now I need some time for self-reflection.
And the only place I know where my wisdom and my true self lives, is in my discipline. My meditation, exercise, writing, reading. I know these are the things that will help me discover how to live in contentment because even that can be a struggle.
After all this dialogue though, it has occurred to me that I would still call myself happy.
And I am grateful, so grateful, for that.
nina