These Are The Days Of Our Lives
So I’m going to take my pulse? I recommend you do this with yourself during this scary time in quarantine.
How am I doing? How are you doing?
I’m actually doing much better than I was just like a week ago. I was starting to lose it. One day I slept most of the day. The thing that brought me back? I had a couple of video chats with friends and phone calls and I started writing. And now I am writing, and writing and writing, like my life depends on it. And I think it does. And if I don’t meditate for an hour every day, I might throw mamma from the train, anyone see that movie?
These are the things saving my life.
These are the days of our lives.
Writing is one of the only things keeping me sane right now, so I’m going to go with it. I will get tired and I will probably stop at some point but for now, I am obsessed with writing and it is not a bad thing for a writer to be obsessed with every now and then.
But having said that, I’m still having cabin fever. I need to go outside more, but the motivation to take a walk is not always there. And sometimes I just want to watch TV. See I grew up on TV and haven’t watched a lot in the last decade, I think my need to go back there is that it feels safe. It feels like there are other people in the room talking to me. I feel less alone. That decade of TV that I missed, I’m making up for it all this month.
I plan on fixing some things that got messed up in my pseudo-depression. Like I need to clean my kitchen some more, mop the floor, make my bed, put away laundry. But at this moment I want to either write or watch TV. Nothing else makes sense to me right now.
I need to feel safe right now. I will do what it takes to make myself feel safe, even if it is with the boob tube.
What makes you feel safe right now? I suggest you find out. It helps.
It also helps to commiserate with friends. Talk about how shitty life is right now. Laugh about it. Believe it or not, it’s actually kind of funny when you think about it. Anything can be funny if you look at it the right way.
Life is funny, global pandemics are funny. Running out of toilet paper, not so funny.
You know what’s getting me through this? My windows, we have a lot of windows in my house. I look outside a lot. You know what’s getting me through this? My dreams. I have a lot of dreams in my head. If I can get through this, I can make them come true.
You know what’s getting me through this, talking to my friends through text, video, and phone. You know what’s getting me through this? The ability to vent through the written word. If you are not a writer, this might be a good time to consider journaling. Just put it down, I swear to god you will feel better. You know what’s getting me through this? My connection to my higher self, my soul, my intrinsic belief that I am love.
It’s funny that I say all that because I’m sitting on my couch, wondering to myself, what should I do right now? I could do the dishes, I could take a walk, I could drink a protein shake. Those are the positive things.
The negative things are sitting here wondering what this nagging feeling I have inside is really about. I am frustrated and I can’t figure out what could make it better. So I’m eating popcorn with a protein shake and watching one of my favorite TV shows and screaming at my mother at the top of my lungs.
My mom and I just had it out and I threw a glass on the counter and almost broke it.
That’s pretty much where I’m at.
If you must know what had happened was that my mom couldn’t find any tall glasses and accused me of stealing them and taking them all into the basement, where I live.
Even though this true, I still resented the accusation and lashed out at her as she told me that she was going to run away and my father was going to take a whip and make me do housework. Which I know sounds bizarre, but this quarantine conversation people. This is what people say to each other when they are locked in a space together for long periods of time.
And as an aside, has she ever seen a whip? I mean was she a slave? Is there something about her that I don’t know about? And to add to this, where was she going to run away to? She is aware that nothing is open and it’s not a good time to buy a new house.
(And just as an addendum, I broke a tall glass by accident just this morning when washing the dishes, It’s like the I’m out to get her or something).
But it’s funny after I got into that little spat with my mother, it occurred to me, there is a part of me that needs the drama to continue or I will die of boredom. Perhaps I am creating all the drama in my life, in general, to keep from dying of boredom. I loved yelling at my mom at the top of my lungs, telling her to take a pill and get some help and then almost breaking that glass.
If I’m going to be honest with myself, it may not have been one of my finer moments, but it felt good.
I am not trying to suggest here that that way out of this quarantine Corona situation is to be horrible to the people around you who you actually love. What I am showing you is that maybe you shouldn’t feel so bad about whatever place you are at right now.
Look at this portrait I just drew for you of my Sunday afternoon and find comfort in the fact that you are not doing that bad. That we are all in this together. If this ship is gonna sink, I will go out laughing and screaming and maybe they will find my diary and publish it and someone will make a million dollars. Hopefully, that is not how this story will end, I’m just preparing for the worst. And that’s not the worst.
This is obviously not who I really am or who I want to be. But these are the things I am doing to cope with a global pandemic. I’m trying to avoid getting the Plague and all the while trying not to lose my mind and kill someone in the process. Usually, I like to ask myself the question, What would love do now? Now I just ask myself, what the fuck do you want to do right now?
Yes, this is out of character of me to sit around all day watching TV, yelling, crying when I saw a commercial about nurses, and writing until my hands fall off. I don’t know who this person that I claim to be is anymore, but I know one thing.
I am surviving.
And I will pull out every magic trick, every coping mechanism, healthy or unhealthy, scary or spiritual and I will do it all just to get through this.
You know want to know what my pulse is?
I’m bored, meditative and a little bat shit crazy.
How about you?
nina