Say Something
I want to say something, something that has never been said before about something that has never happened before. I want to scream, but I live in a house with other humans, who might hear me scream. I should take a walk outside, but there is a Netflix show I’m bingeing on that’s calling my name.
Before all of this Corona mayhem happened I was thinking about dating, but that seems so weird right now. I’m not going to video chat with some dude who hasn’t shaved in ten days. The highlight of my day was going to the drive-thru at Starbucks, the line was wrapped around the building and going on to the street.
All for coffee. And I suspect the sugar-free vanilla syrup I requested wasn't sugar-free.
And I’m a shopper, what I wouldn’t give to walk aimlessly around a store right now.
This sucks.
And I and you, and everyone, has no idea how long it will go on for. I try to focus on the good things, I had a video party with some old friends last night, that was great. I have great phone conversations with good friends. Thank god for them.
But I feel like things are slipping away from me. Like reality is so bad. Maybe that’s why I’m obsessed with a make-believe show about a guy who launders money for drug cartels. Ozark.
I know we are all supposed to be OK, but let’s face the reality that we are not OK.
This is not OK.
And sometimes it’s OK to not be OK.
It’s OK that I didn’t do the dishes today and they are piling up and I didn’t take out the bag of recycling and it’s about to overflow and I haven’t worn a bra for more than an hour in ten days. It’s OK that I haven’t worked on the two books that I want to publish and I haven’t made my bed in five days.
It’s OK that sometimes I watch a movie and see people sitting around in a restaurant and feel envious that I cannot do that right now. It’s OK that I sometimes stare out the window in complete despair, boredom, scared that this will never end. It’s OK that I fight with my mom more than I should, say things I shouldn’t and am sometimes flat out mean.
We don’t have to pretend like we are alright with all of this. That we are emotionally or mentally just going with the flow. It is alright to be mad, angry, sad, afraid.
If we push those feelings away, they will haunt us for the rest of our lives. Accept those feelings, really feel them. Allow them to go through you until they come out of you.
Say it with me: I hate this.
I hate reality right now. I hate life right now. This is making me crazy. I am scared and I am lonely and I am sad and I’m angry and I have no one to be angry at. It’s no one’s fault.
Am I going to be angry at god? Who the hell knows what he is up to. I mean it feels like he’s trying to show us something about ourselves, but fuck lessons. If Coronavirus is a big mirror showing ourselves to ourselves, I don’t like what I am seeing.
This is ugly.
I feel like I am in a prison and I can’t breathe.
But I also know that spring will come. Tulips will still bloom. I planted rose bushes last summer, they will come up again. I will sit in a room with my friends and laugh someday soon again. I will hug everyone and anyone, real soon. God, it will feel so good to hug people.
This too shall pass.
And after it passes I will look at life differently. Maybe I will even see what I actually have. How much I actually have. I will remember when I am aimlessly walking through a department store in the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday, what freedom I have. What luxury.
That life is in fact beautiful.
How can I see that in this room that I have been sitting in for days and days, that feels like years?
By realizing that beauty is not something that just exists, it is created. I have to create my own beauty in all of this. My own bliss.
I just looked out my window and saw the mailman drive by. I want to go outside and hug him when this is all over. But I probably won’t. But I might write him a note. Thanking him.
And thank you, Whoever you are, if you are an ER nurse, or if you are just a mom who is homeschooling her kids. Or if your just a regular bloke who is trying really hard not to lose your shit, worried you will soon lose your job.
Thank you for pulling through. Thank you for existing. You matter. You matter to someone, and the fact that you are living through this and will be able to grow, yes I said it, grow, from this, is evidence of your beauty.
Suffering is not about what happens to us, but it is created by what we think about what is happening to us. If we keep fighting with this, saying it should not be so, we will suffer. If we just take it in, live it, live despite it, we will not suffer. We may even thrive.
I hate that it is true, but it is true. The worst things that happen to us are often the things that make us who we are. This may be one of the worst things that has happened to the world on a global scale, what will it make us? What will it make me?
I am deciding that I am going to make beauty and joy and peace. Even in the midst of the shitty water, I will be like the lotus flower that grows in the murky water. Did you know that is why it is a symbol of peace? Because lotus flowers grow in dirty water. In fact, all flowers grow in dirt.
The water is dirty right now, instead of drinking it and becoming it, let’s grow inside of it and still be beautiful. Let’s show that fucking water something it has never seen before. Let’s show ourselves something we have never seen before.
Let’s create and be the magnificent beings we were meant to be, no matter what happens to us. Let’s show them what we are made of.
And at the same time. Let’s be honest with ourselves. We are not OK right now and we are allowed to be this way. We will become that better person when this is all over, but right now, we feel like crying and screaming and punching a wall.
You know why?
Because we are human. And that is what human beings do. We feel.
We don’t feel good right now and that is alright to admit.
That is normal.
But as cliche, as it sounds, one day we will look back on this shit and be nostalgic.
Remember when...remember when we didn’t know what we were made of...
nina