The Corona Monologues
So it might not be clear from my previous posts since most of them are about how much TV I am watching, but I actually still do have a job during this quarantine. I teach English in college. We are teaching online now. Let me tell you what a sucker I am as an instructor during a global pandemic.
This is kid told me he works at Walmart and had to work 40 hours a week and didn’t get his assignments done. He claimed he could not find them by sending me an email on the same account in which I sent all the messages about the assignments. What do you think I’m going to do? Pity him, pass him.
One of my students is sick, I don’t know if she has Corona, I don’t even know if it’s legal for me to ask her if she does. She hasn’t turned in work in two weeks. I keep asking her if she is feeling OK instead of asking her for her work.
Yes, this semester I will give out Corona pity grades, I’ll admit it.
I mean this blindsided all of us. When the Corona college student is more prepared, I might stop being as easy on them. But come on. The least of their worries right now is English class. I’m just not convinced that English class is ever anyone’s top priority in life, which bothers me on a different level, but that is for another time.
Another thing I’ve learned about Coronavirus, old people will believe anything you tell them about it. Me and my friends were wondering when we get old, will kids think we are stupid and crazy?
Yes, but for very different reasons. In the future, I predict our kids will be like, “Old people just don’t believe in the matrix, but it’s real.” And “Why are old people so against getting the Google chip implanted into their wrists? It connects Google with your brain and makes you a hundred times smarter. They think they are naturally smart. They’re not. They don’t even understand the matrix.” I mean let’s be honest, do you really understand the matrix?
What matrix?
My point exactly...
Old people will always seem dumb to young people. But seriously, my mom told me about a little boy in India who predicted when the virus was going to come and now he predicts it will end May 29. Very precise, this kid. My mom totally believes it. She is also convinced that China created the Coronavirus as a biological weapon, she is currently emailing the president about this fact.
Speaking of the president, have you seen this joker in action lately? The Trump press briefings? It’s like watching a circus with a drunk elephant. He attacks the fake news almost every time. He attacks random governors, he claims that states don’t need the supplies that scientists and doctors are telling them they need. He thinks it will all be over soon and we can get back to the economy so he has a chance to get re-elected. He started this whole thing by claiming the virus was a Democratic Hoax. The only real hoax, the only joke, is that this man is our president during one of the most trying times in our history.
The number of lies that Trump has told us has exceeded 2 trillion, the number of dollars the U.S. is spending to uplift the economy so we forget that he's our president. Trump can’t count to 100 so no one has told him this yet. He likes big numbers though, they say, and when he realizes what a winner he is at lying, he will be thrilled. “No one has ever lied as many times as I have. I’m the biggest liar that ever existed. That’s how good I am at lying. And no one ever knows when I’m lying.”
One of the popular movies about global pandemics is Contagion. I watched it the first week this happened. I had to be in the know. Don’t watch it. It gets dark, really dark. Let’s pray there is no rioting and looting. Let’s pray Gwyneth Paltrow does not get Coronavirus as a punishment for being frivolous.
During this horrible time for our planet, me and my good friend want to profit on all this by creating a Netflix show about being in quarantine. We have no idea how you approach a Netflix producer but we obviously think this topic is hot. Be honest, would you watch it and sort of wish you could watch a show about being in quarantine while you are in quarantine?
They say Shakespeare wrote King Lear while in quarantine. I will consider it an accomplishment if I can get through this time without murdering someone in my family. Everyone’s goal is different. Don’t aim too high or you will be disappointed, but don’t set the bar so low that you allow yourself to gain fifty-pounds and a drug habit.
Everything in moderation. Coronavirus is killing a lot of people, let’s not let it kill our souls as well. Even though this situation is a paranoid OCD person’s nightmare come true, let’s not all become psychopaths. Don’t hoard all the toilet paper and for the love of god, wash your hands and stay at home.
nina
I have been featured in a new blog called, Corona Chronicles, check out here…