I'm Right There With You
I want to tell you that if you staying at home and tired of watching TV, scrolling the Internet and staring into space with nothing to do, struggling to keep it together, you are not alone. If you feel trapped in your own space, even with other people you live with around you, I understand. If you feel lonely because you are literally alone, I’m right there with you. If you feel an impending sense of doom every time you turn on the television and hear the words ‘Social Distance’ and “Flatten the Curve,’ I get it.
I feel all of those things and more.
I haven't lost my job yet, but I could. I haven't gotten Coronavirus yet, but I could. So could someone I love. I could die. Someone close to me could die.
Perhaps things are worse for you. I am truly sorry if they are.
Let's sit together for a moment and not be okay together.
It’s almost as if real life is allegedly going on, but it has turned into a nasty nightmare we can’t wake up from. I have to periodically remind myself that this is actually happening. That I didn’t make it all up. That it’s not a bad dream. That I’m not watching a movie that I want to turn off because it’s so long and boring. The scariest part is that I’m getting used to it. I’m upset that I’m not as upset as I used to be about it.
Boredom is something I think we can all say we are experiencing. Dread might be another familiar feeling.
There are times that I don’t want to laugh, even when something is funny. I think I will laugh at it later when I’m in a better place. Something in me is put on hold because my whole existence has been put on hold. Hold on, they tell me. This will be over soon. Real-life will resume after this commercial break. I feel like they are liars. But the truth is no one can know.
Some of my friends and relatives have gotten sick. No one I know has died, yet. I am financially secure. And I want so badly to be grateful for all these things, but they don’t seem to be enough. I know being grateful is the cure to sadness, but I can't always muster it.
I’m yearning for something, I think mostly connection. Connection with other people and the world at large. I want to walk around town with nowhere in particular to go. I want to smile at strangers and say please and thank you to people I don’t know. I want to hug family and friends. I want to sit in a room full of people and play cards.
I want to go to work, as shocking as that is, even to me. I miss working in the workplace. I miss running into people whose names I don’t even remember after years and saying hi. I want to teach kids who would rather be doing anything but sitting in my class.
It would be nice to talk to people, literally anyone, just see them in real life and have a random conversation. It makes me think about how interconnected we all are. We actually need each other on a level we may not always comprehend.
In America, we like to think we are so independent. But I think this situation shows us how important community is. I cannot be anything without having other people to connect to. I need people, people I don’t even know, I need to be surrounded by people.
Not all the time, but I want to have that opportunity. I’ve had my share of alone time this last month. I’ve spent a lot of time with myself and sincerely apologize to anyone who has had to endure my weird self.
Odd as it may sound to some, I kind of enjoy being in crowds. I like the energy. Like a big concert or stadium full of people. There is something wild about collective energy.
I also like being by myself, but I think balance is the key.
So if this feels unimaginably difficult sometimes, I’m right there with you. If you can’t really see the other side, I understand the feeling. But there is another side. And maybe it might help us if we remember that this will be over. I don’t know when or how, but it will be. And that has to be enough for now.
It doesn’t feel like enough. It’s doesn’t feel like hope. But it is something.
And I just need something.
nina
I have been featured once again in a new blog called the Corona Chronicles...click here