Depression

I just got out of a two-year-long depression. I have treatment-resistant depression, no antidepressents work on me.  It was partly circumstantial, I am a caretaker for my very ill father who has Parkinson's and is totally blind. He’s in a wheelchair now.

It was also chemical, I was over-medicated with mood stabilizers for my Bipolar Disorder. I was numb. I hadn’t cried in a year or two. I couldn’t feel anything.

I’m out of it now, hopefully, it will stay this way. I’m having trouble sleeping but other than I feel great. Not manic, just great. Life looks so good after staying in depression for two years. The sun is so beautiful, life is beautiful.

I’m reconnecting with old friends, and I feel like writing. I sit outside on my deck every morning and read and listen to music. I drive to a local lake every morning and just look at it.         

So I’ve never been good at relationships, but I’m good at friendships. I have some good close friends. The love I have for my friends keeps me alive. 

Let’s normalize the love we have for our friends as just as important as romantic love. My friends carried me through this time. 

Near the end of my depression, it got really dark, I wasn’t suicidal, I’ve never been suicidal, thank god, but I felt like dying. I wanted the pain to be over and I didn’t see the point of living. Things got really ugly. 

Thank god I feel good now. 

What did I learn after this bout of depression? That my relationships with other people are the most important things in life. My sister, my parents, and my friends carried me through this time. I have a lot of love in my life and that is what helped me to heal.

Thank you if you are one of those people that were there for me in my darkest time. Now I’m having fun, going out, seeing friends, I’m going to the Elton John concert tonight, I’m so excited!

I’m living whereas I died a small death for two years. 

When I’m depressed all I do is lay around and hide in my bed. I don’t watch TV, I don’t do anything. I don’t even sleep, I just lay there. 

At first, when I got out of my depression I felt hypomanic, a slightly elevated state, but now I just feel normal and steady and happy. I can actually say I feel happy. You have no idea how good that feels. 

I prayed near the end of my depression that I would get out of it. Maybe god was listening, the universe surely was. 

Why is there darkness? I wondered that while I was depressed. I think there is darkness so we can notice the light. Someone said once that if you see darkness all around you, maybe you are the light. I love that quote. 

There was darkness all around me for almost two years. I don’t know if I was the light, but maybe I was, especially for my parents. They love me fiercely, and although it is difficult living in a basement apartment with your parents at 46, they still supported me in the best way they knew how. Especially financially. 

I’m thinking of moving out soon. I have to get a full-time job first. I have a part-time job as a professor, but I need full-time work. I will probably do writing and editing. I’m starting to date as well. 

I’m getting my life together. It fell apart for two years. For the two years before that I was doing very well, I was working outside of the house, almost full-time and I was seeing friends and I was not depressed. It was wonderful.

I want that back. That life. 

I’m getting back in the groove of life. I’m going to get full-time care for my dad and get a full-time job and live my life as I should. I love my father very deeply, he is the most wonderful man I have ever known, he has raised the bar in what I look for in a man. He is a true saint if there is such a thing.

But caring for him burned me out. I’m tired of it. 

I’ve been reading my own blog for the past couple of days. I’ve realized that it’s good, and I’m proud of my work. I’m proud of myself as a human. I have a novel I need to get published and a couple of screenplays I need to sell. 

I also want to find a romantic partner, because even though my friends are my life, I want a companion. A best friend that I live with. 

So that’s the low down on what’s going on in my life and the reason why I haven’t blogged much in the past two years. I’m back now. 

Thank you for reading. 

nina