Everybody Hurts Sometimes

Do. you. know that song by R.E.M.: ‘Everybody hurts sometimes’?

My favorite line is. “Everybody hurts, don’t throw your hand.” How many times have you wanted to throw your hand?

I almost threw my hand a few months ago. I almost took a bottle of pills and ended it all. God, literally stopped my hands from reaching for that bottle of pills. I then spent Christmas through New Year’s in a psych ward. I have Bipolar Disorder or what was once called Manic Depression. I was in and out of psych wards in my twenties then finally I got it together at the age of thirty. I haven’t been in the hospital for 17 years and took my medication every. single. day.

So what happened a few weeks ago that led me to Pontiac General Hospital, a psych ward that serves the ghettos of Detroit? Everything got too much for me. I have never been suicidal before, I was always in the hospital for mania in the past, but this is my first bout with real suicidal thoughts. I did also have mania and panic attacks I should mention. I had it all.

Maybe you are someone who knows what it feels like to want to end it all. Maybe you have thought of trying. Maybe you have tried.

I didn’t try, I just thought about it.

Regular people have trouble understanding my mania, but I think everyone understands suicidal thoughts. Almost everyone has had some kind of thought of wanting to die at some point. If you haven’t, god bless you. You are blessed. Stay blessed.

Life is hard. For every. single. One. of us.

We are all in this together people.

My friends and family were there with me in that psych ward I was in for two weeks over the holidays. I was not allowed any visitors but talked to my friends and family on a pay phone every. single. day.

If you were one of the people that talked to me, you have no idea how much that meant to me. If you were one of the people that prayed for me, you have no idea how grateful I am. God was in that hospital with me, he was the only one that was physically there with me. He/She was inside me.

It was the worst psychiatric facility I’ve ever been in. I broke bread with crack addicts and prostitutes. My theory is that god wanted to humble me. I’m no better than those people. We drank from the same fountain. We ate the same breakfast. I made a couple of very good strong friends that I will have for life.

The staff at the hospital was outstanding. See there is a war in this country, a war against depression. It’s a Prozac Nation, ever read that book?

The staff at Pontiac General is on the front lines of that war. The nurses, techs, doctors, and even the janitors are fighting the real fight. They see hell up close and personal. Hell is here people, and so is heaven. It’s all right here, in our homes and in our backyards, and in our bodies. The techs at Pontiac would sometimes play us our favorite music to calm us down. It was beautiful what they did for me, what they do every. Single. Day. for humanity.

If you ask them how they do it, they will say they are just doing their jobs.

Does it not say in the Bible that god put angels all around us? What does it say in your holy book? I’m Sikh, it says in Sri Guru Granth Sahib, the sacred Sikh scriptures, that god resides within all of us, no matter if we are the important doctor or the janitor who cleans up the shit in the hallway that psych patients leave when they can’t control their bodies.

There was one Sikh doctor who came to see me on the weekend. He was a resident covering for my doctor. I talked to him, for a total of five minutes, but got the impression that he cared about me and the other residents. He looked like he was in his early thirties.

God put me in that place to humble me. I’m no smarter than a 30-year-old psychiatric resident. I’m no smarter than anyone.

I thought I was a healer, but you have heard that phrase: Physician heal thyself.

I. was. the. Patient.

I wrote a novel called The Sikh Patient.

It’s probably time I got that book published.

It’s probably about time I move into my real journey. as a writer and speaker. I want to get into talk radio, I think I would enjoy that. I enjoy conversations. Just as I enjoy Conversations with God, a trilogy of books by Neale Donald Walsh. I want to get into journalism, and I randomly met my idol Mitch Albom the other day at a restaurant.

He was kind and humble, as all true inspirational leaders are.

Thank you for listening and reading. I have a lot more to say, I will try to relay it in my own time. I need to release this in my writing to heal myself and if I accidentally have any healing powers on you, after reading this, then I will be greatly pleased.

love

nina