What is the Point of it All?

So I woke up at four this morning for some ungodly reason. But I’m in an excellent mood and have been since I woke up. In my religion, Sikhism, early in the morning is called Amrit Vela, or the ambrosial time, supposedly it is a sacred time. I tried to meditate this morning which is what you are supposed to do at this time according to my religion. 

But I’ve never been religious. For some reason, I have not been able to meditate lately.

But I do have the capacity to feel joy, especially listening to music. Music is my meditation. 

The only problem with waking up this early is that I get bored sometimes and want to talk to someone by like seven or so. I often call my friends with full-time jobs because I get lonely in the mornings. 

I like to write in the mornings and read.

I’m sitting at Starbucks right now writing. There’s this interesting rush of people moving really fast behind the counter as if coffee were god and god needed a sip of itself. Because you know, god needs god and there is no god like coffee. Especially if you have been up since four am. 

So in essence this is my temple. I’m not exactly being spiritual right now but I’m not exactly not being spiritual either. I’m just wondering, about everything, everything there is to wonder about. Like what’s it all about anyways?

Now it’s evening and I have taught two classes at a local college, went out to dinner at Olive Garden, now I’m sitting on my couch just wondering what to do next and why to do it. There’s plenty of stuff I should do, I should clean my room and do a bunch of work for teaching and writing etc. Instead I’m writing about the fact that I don’t know what to write about. I’m not sure what to live about. What is it about and what is it?

There is a part of me that knows it’s all about love, who I love and how I love. But somehow that doesn’t seem to really answer the bigger question, why do we love? I mean I kind of get why we love but it feels like there should be more to this story than just loving one another. 

Maybe we are alive to really be ourselves, our true selves, like whoever we really want to be. Maybe we create that self and see how it does with the slings and arrows of fate. Whatever happens to us, we are still that self, that self created being who can be anything at all. 

But what is it that I want to be. Let’s go back to love. I want to be the one who loved other people in the most passionate way I possibly could. That’s who I want to be. The passionate lover. 

Who or what do you want to be? Because the truth is that you create yourself and can be whatever you want. And maybe that is the point of life, to be what you want to be in the midst of it all. 

nina