Happiness

So the good news is I’m happy. It’s been a while and it feels perfect. I feel joy often and contentment in general. Thank god. It’s about time. I literally forgot what this feels like. 

If you are struggling, believe me, I understand. I’ve struggled on and off for much of my adult life. Who am I kidding, I even struggled as a kid. But I’ve seen a lot of joy in my life so I’m lucky. A lot of laughter and love. 

During this time that I am healing from my two-year depression, I spend a lot of time listening to music and singing along. I find music to be the most healing aspect of my life. I honestly spend a lot of time doing nothing while sitting outside and listening to music. Sometimes that’s what healing looks like, a lot of doing nothing. 

I’ve recently started reading and writing, so that’s good. I do it while listening to music. I think music is one of the most spiritual things in life. Any music. 

And I have books I want to get published, screenplays I want to sell, and just lots of things to do in general like losing more weight. There is so much to be done. But I will say it again, I feel like we as humans focus too much on doing and not enough on being. Who am I while I am doing all these things? Who am I when I am doing nothing?

I am still me. The beautiful and profound being I believe myself to be. When I was a small child I would talk to strangers and I was so cute, these women would follow me around at like grocery stores and talk to me. That’s who I was before the world got its hands on me. 

I do that now, I talk to strangers and laugh with them. I am generally amused at life. “I wish I was like you, easily amused,”---Kurt Cobain. Poor guy, Kurt Cobain killed himself. I’ve never been suicidal no matter how depressed I’ve been. I thank god for that. 

I believe in a higher power and karma. I think what you do comes back to you. For the last two years, I have been taking care of my father. I’m not trying to say I’m doing anything out of the ordinary, it is my duty, I owe him this after all he has done for me. But I got to think all this selfless service is good karma.   

In my religion, Sikhi, there are two things that are the most important to do. Seva and Simran. Service and meditation. I am still taking care of dad and I consider listening to music as meditation. In my religion, the whole scriptures can be set to music. Music is the way to peace, love, and salvation. 

I don’t know what salvation is. I know what joy is and love and even ecstasy. Oh, the agony and the ecstasy. Sometimes I think you can’t know light until you’ve been in the darkness. I’m not promoting suffering here, I don’t think you have to suffer to feel joy, but I think there is wisdom in suffering. 

It’s not the only way, but if you happen to suffer, just know that there is another side to life. I don’t know how much wisdom I have after being in and out of depression most of my life. But I will tell you that happiness is sweeter after you have suffered for a while. 

It’s not the only way to be happy, but it’s one way. 

nina