I Have A Dream

I have a re-occurring dream that I am in high school again,after I get my Masters to do an experiment and see if they will notice I’m inmy forties. So I start to take classes and this time I’m failing everything,especially math. So I’m worried I won’t be able to get a job because myemployer will see my new failing high school grades.

I’m not sure what this dream is about, but it makes me crazy every time. I have not really read that much about dream interpretation but I am interested. Freud was the one who invented the idea that dreams are important. But he also thought all women had penis envy. I don't know if we can count on him.

Sometimes I have very bad dreams in general, they are allover the place. A lot of them have to do with failing. My therapist thinks itis because I fear failure. She is right. I have a fear that I will fail atthings that I try to do and I have a fear that I am in general, a failure.

This is augmented by the fact that my father literally criesbecause I’m not a doctor. He gave me a list of professions I could choose whenI was a kid, like engineer, doctor, etc. Writer and professor were not on thatlist.

I am actually losing weight right now, but I feel that Iwill fail at diet and exercise. I fear I will never be the published andrespected author that I want to become. I don’t consciously think about thesethings in the day, but they play out in my dreams at night.

What do you dreams about? What do you think it says aboutyou?

I also have this re-occurring dream that all these populargirls in school ignore me and treat me badly. I always wanted to be verypopular in high school. I was just an average nerd and kind of alternative kid.I never fit in with the cheerleaders. I don’t know why that was so important tome back then. I think I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere when I was a kid.

Now, it doesn’t matter to me who my friends are, I have friends from all different walks of life and I love it that way. I’m not too close with people who are concerned with status in a superficial way. Most of my friends though, are super intelligent. That’s important to me.

I’mhappy with all my friendships right now, so why am I having dreams about meangirls in elementary and high school? Is there something I’m missing here? Whyare these things bothering me? So of course, I asked my handy dandy friend Googlefor answers. This is what Google Auntie told me: “What does it mean when you dream about high school? A dreamabout high school may be coming from your Higher Self or the lessonbeing learned may be of high importance. ... Being in a classmay represent a learning experience or it may be a metaphor for classifying orrating someone or something; or it may suggest that you needmore class or you need to behave better.”

Perhaps that’s right,maybe I think I need to behave better? Like study more. I do feel I shouldstudy in life, like I read all the time. Perhaps I should implement what I amreading about in my daily life better? I don’t know, it seems far-fetched tome.

Then I asked Google another question: “What does it mean when you dream of old classmates? To see old classmates in your dream indicate that you need to draw on your old associations with your former classmates to gain insight in some current relationship. It represents a past lesson that you have learned and is applicable in some aspect of your waking life now.”

I am dreaming of meangirls. What does that have to do with any of my relationships now? I don’t hangout with mean malicious women. It could indicate that I don’t feel like I fitin, but that is far from the case. Google’s answers seem very incomplete. But thisis very much like when you have a medical problem and you Google it instead ofasking a doctor.

I need to talk to my therapist about this. I’msure she’ll have some great insight into it. But of course I can’t stopGoogling the shit out of this subject. Next question I asked was: What doesdreaming about failing a test mean? “As aresult, such anxiety could manifest into a dream where youfail a test. Most of the time, though, people who have such dreams areunlikely to fail a test in real life. Taking a test implieslack of confidence: Failing a test in your dream saysa lot about your self-esteem and confidence or the lack of.”
 

Now that answer I can getdown with. Even though I am more self-confident now than I have ever been in mylife, perhaps my self-esteem could use some improvement. But the question is,how does one improve one’s self-esteem?

I suppose thinking about thefact that you are worthy is a beginning. I am good enough. I honestly neverfeel like I’m good enough. I don’t feel like my career is good enough, that mywriting is good enough, that my family life and relationships are good enough.I’m not sure what I’m looking for though. There is no such thing as perfection.The real truth is that I’m good enough and my life is good enough.

By the way, that is true ofyou as well, no matter what you dream about.

nina