Emptiness
Does it feel like there is just one problem after another and you can’t just seem to catch a break? I’ve been feeling like that today. I’m just generally annoyed. Annoyance, or pretty much everything, often translates into hunger for me. I decide that I’m feeling hungry when I’m feeling upset about anything.
I think I’m in a weird mood because I didn’t meditate. It always screws me up. I’m feeling raw today like I don’t know who I am or what I want. I’m bored and I am unsatisfied. It feels better to write it down, even if I think this is really boring writing and I have nothing to say today.
I feel lost like I have nowhere to go and nothing of value to do. I feel like I am not important. I know, logically, that these things are not true. Just feeling down on myself today.
Do you ever feel that way? I feel like I’m writing in a diary right now, and everyone in the world is reading it. Even in my diary, nothing exciting is even happening in my personal journal or my personal life.
I feel like there is nothing to do, nothing to think about that is worth thinking about. Nothing to say. I feel empty In Buddhism there is this theory of emptiness, where they are striving to be empty. They say that is the goal.
I don’t know if I understand why they want to be empty. I don’t really get it. I feel like there is nothing inside me sometimes. Is that a good thing? Should I celebrate that? I don’t know.
I guess if I’m empty of feelings, then I don’t have bad feelings. That’s
But it’s not all bad, I don’t want to sound like a debby downer, I’m actually not even depressed or anything, I’m just off. I’m not my usual positive self. I’m not even feeling that negative, it’s like I feel nothing. I’m numb or something, unable to feel.
It’s weird is all I can say.
But I have to say, there is something about feeling nothing that is kind of freeing. It’s kind of like I’m invisible or something, like I kind of don’t exist in the world that I know. It’s as if I’m not really here, but I am, but I can’t feel it.
Does that make any sense? I’m not sure it does.
So I was annoyed this morning because I got a rash on my forehead, I think I might be allergic to my face wash. I know that doesn’t sound like a huge problem, but I’m a dramatic individual, you would think I was a burn victim after the way I reacted to the rash.
I am very used to feeling things very fully. I am really passionate. There is a positive and negative to this. The positive side is that I really feel things. The negative side is I really feel negative things.
So it’s even more strange for me to be in a state of not feeling right now. I almost feel as though I am floating around in this room. I’m at work, a student of mine is doing math and I’m helping him as I write this.
I’m trying to do deep breathing and trying to meditate without closing my eyes. I’m trying to go back to reality, feel alive again. I almost feel dead at this moment.
I wonder what it feels like to be dead. I don’t believe in death in the traditional sense, I think our soul just moves on to another experience. I don’t think there is an end to us.
So then why do I feel like I’ve hit an end to myself right now? I’m not sure. I’m not sure what I’m feeling. I can see how this day was set up all wrong. I fell asleep trying to meditate. I woke up with a rash on my face and then I had to run to the gynecologist, which as you can imagine, is not fun.
Then I had a couple hours to kill before work, and it didn’t make sense to go home because I was very close to work. So I tried to shop a little and found nothing of value anywhere. I bought a couple of t-shirts for five dollars a piece to work out in. It was all really boring.
I think that’s when I started to disappear from myself. But writing this is making me feel human again. I was having a weird moment and it’s passing. I’m very lucky to have this outlet to just say anything, about anything.
So this is what I have to say.
It may not be much, but it’s mine.
nina