I Stole A Toothbrush

OK, so I have to tell you this story! First of all, It starts out at the drug store, CVS, of all places. I go there to pick up a prescription for my father and I as I’m hopping around, I see a Sonicare toothbrush for fifty dollars. I had a Sonicare toothbrush like five years ago and I lost it. How do you lose a toothbrush? Like a big toothbrush with a stand and a wire and all the stuff that comes with this particular brand of electric toothbrush?

I have no idea. But I somehow managed to misplace it and never find it again. So here we are again, at CVS, I say fuck it, I’m never gonna find that toothbrush, I’ll just buy a new one. Since I’m getting the prescription for my dad, it will be on his credit card. I know, I’m a bad person, right from the start of this story. I can’t even own a toothbrush properly and I'm making my father pay for my irresponsibility.

So I get to the register and I’m buying a couple of things and the clerk scans my toothbrush, but apparently, it does not register because the total price that he quotes me is far too low. The thing is, I know it right away, I notice that my balance is too low, that he probably did not put the toothbrush in the total.

The thing about it is, I don’t say anything. Like nothing. I walk away with my bag of stuff and I go in the car and look at the receipt and low and behold, the toothbrush is not on the receipt. I got a free electric Sonicare toothbrush. The kind my dentist recommended.

Now, can I just justify myself for a moment? No, I did not go back in and correct their mistake. And let me tell you why. I wasn’t stealing from that man at the register, I was stealing from the huge conglomerate company called CVS who has been ripping me off for like thirty years.  

Everything is more expensive at CVS. And I go there very often, and I have for more than twenty years. So I got a free toothbrush, it’s the least they owe me.

But of course, I feel guilty, I have to confess what I just did. I’m meeting my friend at the gym and I tell her the story. She was like, “I’m keeping the brush, I don’t know about you…” So she totally approved of my decision. It’s done. Done and done.

Or so I thought. I asked my friend at the gym, what about karma? The toothbrush was fifty dollars, according to some magical karmic law I just made up, I could lose like a hundred dollars. “Karma and all, I don’t know about that, you're on your own with that one,” is all she had to say.

But we all know karma, and she's a real bitch.

So like a few days later, I’m sitting around and I can’t find my Kindle tablet. I look everywhere, the last time I used it was at the gym, a few days after I met my friend there. I call the gym, no Kindle. Shit, I think. (I guess the question again is, how does a human 'lose' a ten-inch long device?) This is it, that Kindle was a little over one-hundred dollars, not bad for a tablet by the way.

So let me give you a rundown of how I think I managed to lose a computer tablet at the gym. There is so much stuff I have to take to the gym and I don't even shower there. I have to take my water bottle, my phone, my Kindle to watch shows, my jacket, my ID card, and my purse. I am not particularly ambidextrous nor am I a good multi-tasker. I just forgot to pick up from the bench in the locker room I think. Or I'm just an idiot, you choose...

So I’m totally convinced the reason I lost my Kindle, is payback karma for stealing that toothbrush. I knew it, fifty dollars would add up to one-hundred. This is spiritual math, I made it all up by the way. So I’m like texting my sister, who is the coolest most generous person I know, and she’s like, well I’m getting a new computer, so you can have my iPad. What? Are you kidding me, an iPad costs like six-hundred dollars and this one is pretty new? I can’t believe my luck. I get a new iPad out of all of this. Wait, that’s good karma. What’s happening?

Is what I did at CVS OK because I could justify it because stealing from a multi-million dollar company is OK in the universe’s book? What is this universe even doing? What are the laws of karma? Where is god in all this? I am being rewarded in the end. I knew god was good.

This is all crazy, I know. What do I know about right and wrong? I mean to some people taking that toothbrush would be immoral, to others it’s almost a form of activism. I stole from the man and didn’t get caught. Fuck the man.

So that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

However, I feel like there could be repercussions for putting this on the Internet. Like CVS could show up at my doorstep with a subpoena and a warrant for my arrest. I feel like Mueller is going to get on the case. Like that one time when the State of Michigan said they would put a warrant out for my dad's arrest if he didn't pay the twenty-five dollar parking ticket that I racked up on his car. Yeah, that's another story for another time. (By the way he does not know about this, just FYI in case you know my father and you want to blackmail me).

I have to admit at this juncture, that I mistakenly walked out of CVS a few months ago with a pack of Burt's Bees' lipglosses, I somehow forgot to pay for them with my other stuff.

Do you think I went back and paid for them? How much do I think CVS owes me for their overpriced dental floss anyways? Can you really put a price on that?

At this point I'm a full-fledged shoplifter. I have a problem people.

Anyways, it’s a really good toothbrush. What? So sue me.

nina