Random Day...
I was hungry so I had a bag of chips that we keep for the kids. Barbeque potato chips. They were delicious. I don’t usually eat crap like that but I didn’t eat enough for breakfast so I was hungry. I feel oddly satisfied. Like I got to do something forbidden and it tastes so good.
As of today, I've written 365 posts on this blog alone, not counting my earlier blog. That would be like if I wrote a post every day for a year. I'm kinda proud of myself.
I had some issues at work today, one girl broke down in tears. Another boy just doesn’t understand or remember anything I’m teaching him. It’s funny but all I needed were those chips and I’m a new me. That’s how easy I am to please. I’m like a dog, give me a treat and I’ll be good.
I sit in a windowless room and tutor kids all day. Sometimes they do work on their own and I get to write, other times we do work on the computer together. Yesterday, I stared at a computer for seven hours. I felt like I got released from jail when I got out of work.
This is my work life at the moment. My kid for this hour did not show up, so I get a break. Yippie, but instead of dancing I get to do my own work. And eat potato chips. What a life.
I don’t really think I’m built for a desk job, but this will do for the moment. I do work with other people so it’s not just me sitting alone in a room all day. That would feel like solitary confinement to me. Jail and a job, very similar, no?
I have had times in my life where I had no job and would sit by the window and stare out of it, usually depressed. So this is much better than that. But at his point in the day, I just want to sit by the window and stare out into space.
I feel drained today like I don’t know what I want to do. I’m annoyed because I suspect I’ve become lactose intolerant. I love milk and everything that has milk in it. I think it might be just straight up milk, but we will see.
All I want to do right now is read a book. I’m reading this very weird, cryptic novel that goes from a guy in Haiti to a guy in Croatia to a woman in Istanbul. It’s interesting but I’m not sure where it’s going, and I didn’t realize the book was like seven-hundred pages, now I’m halfway through so I have to finish.
I hope no one ever says that about my books. But someone out there will try to read a book I wrote and wonder if they really want to finish it. I don’t know if I really want to finish writing this....
I’ve got lots to say then nothing at all. Inspiration is the most non-sensical or illogical thing in the universe. It just happens when it wants to happen. You can try to create the environment and conditions of inspiration, but it won’t come unless it wants to. I wonder if there is a spirit somewhere in charge of giving people inspiration. I’d like to talk to him.
The truth is I don’t want to do any work today. It’s a Wednesday, in the middle of the week. Not sure which way to go. What I really want to do is not look at a computer. But that’s not even possible in this little room I sit in. That’s all there is in here.
What if having a normal day job and a normal state of mind makes me lose my inspiration to write anything decent anymore? What if all my talent came from my unhappiness. Let’s hope that’s not true. Let’s just assume it’s not. I can’t live with that being the truth.
I wonder sometimes though what causes a person to draw a certain scene or write a certain song. What is it that drives us? What makes us create? I think it is our inherent nature to be creators. Creativity is in our souls, it is only our job to set it free.
I like to think I’m creative but I don’t do arts and crafts and stuff. The only thing I’m creative about is my writing. Well, I guess I like to think I’m creative about my wardrobe too. And maybe the way I decorate my space.
I don’t cook though. I should cook considering that I want to lose weight. I should do a lot of things. But whatever.
I should take a walk tonight, it’s been a few days since I exercised. What do you think the chances of me walking when I get home a seven-o’clock are? Just wondering.
It doesn’t look too good.
Just another random Wednesday. Nothing much to say.
Now I’m eating chocolate. I wonder what makes me eat too.
nina