Why Can't I Sleep?

image courtesy of Behnoush Sharifi

I want to know the root cause of why I can’t sleep at night sometimes. I’ve taken all the drugs. I’m still awake in the middle of the night right now. I mean is this a creativity thing? Is it that I’m most creative at this time? If so, I’m annoyed by that. But I’m also secretly pleased that there is any creativity going on at all inside me. 

I haven’t written much in the last year or so. As you can imagine, the pandemic took its toll on me, and there were other personal factors that led me to ignore my creativity and just be in survival mode.

That’s OK though, things ebb and flow in waves. I feel like I’m ready to come out of my shell again. I feel ready to connect, to say something, to be something, to think something. Right now though my body is fighting my need to sleep.

A lot of it has to do with the new changes in my life. I just moved into a new place with a friend of mine. I’m worried. Worried about how I will make it in this new place. I’m worried I will fail somehow at being on my own.

But what does failure really mean? Maybe there is no such thing. Maybe it is all just a really big experience where there are highs and lows and everything in between. 

Me Sleeping in the day because I can’t sleep at night

I am lucky. I have such a great support system, I have everything I need in life. 

But what is it that I want out of life? 

I want to experience so many different things. I want to travel around the world, but with a partner. I want a friend, a companion to experience this life with. I’ve decided that it is time I make it a priority to start looking for that person. 

Maybe I can’t sleep because I’m sleeping alone. 

Maybe I can’t sleep because of the trauma of being in a global pandemic. I don’t go to the workplace and interact with people on a daily basis. Maybe I need other people more than I am ready to admit.

Maybe I can’t sleep because the world is twisted and unfair and people can be horrible human beings to one another. The mass shootings, the climate change, I don’t know, the starving children. 

image courtesy of Pablo Nidam

How am I supposed to sleep when it seems like the world is crumbling down around me?

The problem with not sleeping is, what to do when you are not sleeping? I’m sitting here, staring at the walls. I can barely write. I’m listening to music, but I’ve heard my song list so many times that I’m even getting sick of that. 

I don’t want to end up like Michael Jackson who died of an overdose because he couldn’t sleep. Sleep is precious. And to tell you the truth when I don’t sleep, I get annoyed, frustrated and restless. As I am right now. 

I don’t even want to necessarily finish writing this. I would rather sleep to be honest. 

I don’t know what to say when I’m in this state. What is there left to say? 

I could say that I’m worried about money, I’m worried about my parents health, I’m worried about dying alone. 

I could say that all these things keep me up at night. 

I could say that I should stop worrying. Worry is not going to solve the problems. 

Sleep is not going to solve my problems but it might help. I feel boring and stupid right now, like I have nothing to say, no one to be. Who are we in the middle of the night when we can’t sleep?

I guess I am who I am, the same person but I’m kind of half alive. 

Half of me is so tired I can’t think straight, the other is alive and well and just hanging out like this is OK. 

OK or not OK, some people smoke, some people drink too much, some people do drugs. I can’t sleep. Why? Because the human experience is just as excruciating as it is thrilling. It’s a roller coaster ride, sometimes you just feel like your upside-down going downhill.

Why can’t I sleep you ask? Because the world is burning. Remember that song, “We didn’t start the fire, it was always burning since the world’s been turning.” I feel like I’m on fire sometimes. I just want to stop, drop and roll.

But no one’s going to save me, are they? I have to save myself.

It’s not like someone else can sleep for me. Wouldn’t it be funny if you could hire someone to sleep for you?

But the truth is I need to take a good hard look at myself, my life, and the world. I need to let it go and let myself sleep. I am the only one who can solve this problem.

And I will.

nina